Don't Call It a COME back.

I really must begin with an apology. I was both shocked and slightly ashamed to realise that I hadn’t posted anything on here since early February! For this, all I can give you is a limited number of excuses. One being that I currently have absolutely no money! The main side effect of this, in addition to the fact that I can no longer afford to pay my rent, is that I can very rarely afford to buy tobacco. I do a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw, you see, in which I like to sit in front of my laptop, typing with one hand and chain-smoking with the other. The primary reason for my disgraceful lack of blog posting, however, is that I broke up with my boyfriend in March. Towards the end of our fast-declining relationship, I could count the amount of monthly sex sessions on one hand, give or take a few fingers. Excuse the pun. Simply put, I had no writing fuel.

Never fear, however, as I now have a fantastic new man in my life and, thank the lord! He is willing to have sex with me. My vibrator has returned to its old home (aka inside a slipper.) On with the show…

Incited by a recent Cosmo article, today we shall be discussing the at times somewhat taboo subject of the female orgasm. While some women may cut their losses when they fail to achieve this and assume its likeliness of occurring is on par with that of a dodo emerging from their vagina, I must strongly insist that this is truly not the case. Alas! There is hope on the (extinct bird-scattered) horizon. First and foremost, let us not assume that this is going to be an easy journey. Unfortunately, we are not men. We cannot simply beat the thing a couple of times and then sluggishly ejaculate into the nearest available dish towel. According to statistics, almost 75% of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone. I myself am included in this 75%, give or take the occasional miraculous triumph on the battlefield. However, 10 to 15% of women never climax under any circumstances, and it is to them that I am dedicating this post.

The main concern, or so it seems, for women who have never achieved orgasm, is that there is something wrong with them. Internet pornography could be suggested to be largely to blame for this common misconception, given that the women featured are in an almost constant state of sexual ecstasy and squirting everywhere. Ladies, there is absolutely nothing, and I repeat ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, wrong with you if you have never had an orgasm! If you are as of yet unconvinced, however, here are a few suggestions to help you along:

1) Wank: And if at first you don’t succeed, wank harder. Use your fingers, use a vibrator, use a marrow if you can get it up there! I know I say this all the time, but it really is the best and only way to get to know yourself and what gets you off. How can you instruct your partner on how to make you orgasm if you don’t know yourself? Take one evening off when nobody is home, light some candles, make some tea, even crank up some Lionel Richie if you must (we won’t judge!), and just really fucking go for it. If this still hasn’t convinced you to masturbate, here is an entire post that I wrote on the subject: http://between-your-legs.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/why-dont-you-go-fuck-yourself.html

2) Communicate: Once you have an idea of what you like, you then must transfer this information onto someone else. Think of it like imparting a beautiful gift of knowledge. Even if you only have an inkling of what you may enjoy, let them know. Give them the reigns, but guide them as they go. If they lose their way, bring them back again. If it feels amazing, tell them. If it’s the worst thing you’ve ever experienced in your entire life, tell them… but sympathetically.

3) Relax: Easier said than done though, right? When I get with someone new, despite the fact that I know exactly how I like it and have done for years, I find it incredibly difficult to orgasm for the first few times with them. This is where no.2 comes back into play. I tell them this. I inform them that it’s nothing that they’re doing wrong, it just takes me a while to relax into it the first few times. Try to focus your thoughts on what they are doing. If you can’t do this, focus your thoughts on things that you would normally think about whilst you get yourself off. If you wank to porn, for a cheeky bit of visual stimulation, focus on a particularly dirty scene that you enjoyed. Even if this includes 4 plumbers in dungaree shorts and an excessive amount of plungers.

4) Try it whilst having sex: I always find this to be the easiest way to orgasm. Get on top, ride like you’re straddling a bunking bronco, and play with your clit at the same time. Close your eyes, focus on those dirty thoughts, and just let go. Be selfish for once. After all, if he’s pounding you from behind, who do you think he’s focusing on?!

5) Have no fear: Be open to experimentation. It’s always going to be trial and error until you find what really works for you, but you’ll never know unless you try!

So push the tsunami-like ejaculations you’ve seen in porn aside, because let’s be real for a second, no human female has ever come after 5 minutes of mundane fingering on a kitchen counter. Shut your eyes and just lose yourself in the moment because, when it comes to orgasming, concentration really is key. You CAN do it, and when you do, fucking shout it from the rooftops! Tell your friends, tell your neighbours, hell, even comment below and tell me! Just don’t call it a comeback...

Additionally, if anyone has any advice for me, in order to remove myself from the 75% who never reach orgasm through intercourse alone, leave me a comment below! I am always happy to give anything a go!

All I Want For Christmas Is... A Good Hard Fuck.

So in amongst his not-so-busy schedule of Christmas shopping, getting stoned, and working 37.5 hours a week, my boyfriend has completely failed on the sex front this Xmas season. Thus, I have become Scrouge. I ask you, how am I supposed to blog about sex when I myself am not getting any?! 

 Thankfully, I can still haul my sense of humour back out (it was nesting somewhere beside my bowels), and therefore bring to you the joyous combination of Christmas, sex, and the advertising industry, as well as the not quite so successful amalgamation of Christmas and sex toys.

 I must add that I was also going to include some Christmas sex positions (‘Jingle My Balls’ etc) but, to be completely honest with you, I just can’t face it right now. Excuse me, I’m off to cry into a turkey…

Here are some amusing Christmas adverts:

1) Durex Condoms

 'This Christmas, don't get anything you didn't wish for.'
So much for jolly Christmas spirit...

2) RFSU

Trust Sweden to sell sex toys in their local pharmacies. If this guy came (no pun intended) 

down my chimney, I think I'd be running for the hills. I wonder how many times the

artist vomited whilst drawing this picture.

3) Harvey Nichols  

I love this because it reminds me so much of me, Christmas 2010. 

(For more details, read my post entitled 'The Good, The Bad And The Slutty')

And some awful Christmas sex toys:

1) 'I Rub My Duckie'

So it's a Christmas bauble... with a duck inside... which vibrates?

Well that makes perfect sense...

2) Candy Cane G-String

I actually feel incredibly sorry for this guy.
I wonder how many times a week he went to the gym, only to model this monstrosity.

3) Santa Vibe

'Mrs. Claus is Cuming Tonight!' is she?

Shame no one fucking else is...

4) Ehhhh...?!

This looks offensive enough anyway, never mind the fact
that they've tried to make it look like a candy cane.

Imagine finding this in your Christmas stocking... Just imagine.

So there we have it, some prime examples of cracking Christmas commercialisation. Which one of the above would terrify you the most if you unwrapped it on Christmas day? Hopefully this blog post has cheered up those who, just like me, will be getting absolutely no sex whatsoever on Christmas day. I might just chuck on a santa hat and a pair of suspenders and pounce... Merry fucking Christmas everybody! Bah humbug. 

Paris x

Orgasmic or Obscene (2)

How To Squirt In His Face

** To anyone who knows me personally, you may wish to stop reading now. This may be a little too much information for you...

I think it must be rather obvious by now that I rely on Google quite heavily to get me through my days here on Planet Earth. However, I was dumbfounded recently when I made the shocking discovery that it is not, in fact, as wholly reliable as it had previously led me to believe. As it turns out, typing 'Female ejaculation' into the Google search bar provides an abundance of similar results, none of which seem particularly truthful or useful. Or maybe it's just me...

The majority of websites that I have researched give exactly the same advice: Put your fingers a few inches inside her vagina and stimulate the spongy area which can be located towards the front of the pelvis. Do this ceaselessly. Do not react negatively when she ejaculates. Oh, and p.s, don't worry, it's not urine. Probably.

If what you desire is a raw and swollen g-spot, do feel free to follow the above method. For those of you who don't, however, here is how to ejaculate, Paris Talor style:

First, have sex. A penis relentlessly rubbing against your g-spot is much better than two flailing fingers, trust me. Here are a few good g-spot stimulating positions:

 
1) G-Wizz: If this is done well, you shall be screaming.



2)  Downward Dog: Lying down doggy is, for some reason, significantly better than regular doggy. Possibly because you feel a little less like man's best friend.
 
3) The Mistress: Do this, do this, do this, do this. It is, without a doubt, one of the best positions ever invented. You will come, and come, and come, and then come some more.   

Ignore the first two; go with position 3. Do this until you are thoroughly orgasmed out. Next, sit astride his face, like so:

   

He can use his tongue slightly, if you like, but what is most important of all is that you use your fingers. I've said it before and I'll say it again, no one can fuck you quite like you can. He can also put his fingers inside you now, but only if he promises that there will be no aimless prodding.

Continue like this. When you feel yourself on the verge of orgasm, you may need to push slightly. Try your best not to fart, this may kill the mood. And one last word of advice, to contradict that of the numerous aforementioned web pages: It does not feel like you are going to pee. There is a noticeable difference between the sensation before you squirt, and that before you pee. So don't worry, just let it go. My boyfriend thinks it's the sexiest thing he's ever seen. 

So there you have it. It does take a surprising amount of effort to achieve, but if you have the time (and some clean sheets), go for it. What have you got to lose, really? Think about it, how many times has he came on your bed/on your face/on your tits/in your hair? Ladies, it's high time you got your own back.

** I would like to add that this is what worked for me, therefore I felt I must share it with the women of the world. If this works for you too, please report back to me, it will make me happy! Additionally, if you have any other methods that work for you, or anything that you've read about that you would like me to attempt (!), please do comment and let me know =) 

Paris x
   

A Little Less Conversation...

Occasionally I fantasize about binding my boyfriend to the bed, moving slowly upwards towards his face, gagging him… to make him shut the fuck up. Dirty chat itself poses no problem to me whatsoever, when it is done well. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. “I’m gonna put my big fat baby maker inside your hole!”, “I’m gonna fill your ass with my cum, baby. This is how a real man fucks!” or “Daddy’s gonna fill you up, fuck your tight little cunt! He’s gonna make you scream with his big dick!” are just a couple of ways to guarantee you will be getting no sex that night, or possibly ever again. In your life. The latter in particular, given the use of the word ‘Daddy’, in combination with the switch to the third-person narrative.

Regrettably, it is not only in the bedroom where men fail to think before they speak. When a friend of mine got into an argument with her ex-boyfriend, he shouted that one of the main reasons that he was no longer happy in their relationship was because she had never taken his career seriously. He was working full time at Nando’s. (In the lowest possible position, might I add.)

The same friend also once had a drunken argument with a different ex. Afterwards, he headed back to their flat while she chose to stay out. She eventually returned home to find him in an incredibly upset state and, when she questioned what the hell was the matter, he informed her that he’d been so grieved by their argument that he had tried to kill himself… by holding a pillow over his own face for two hours. 

But let’s get back to sex, and ask ourselves, why is it that men assume that spewing an abundance of nonsensical profanities turns us on? What makes it worse is when, sometimes, for added measure, they even attempt to throw a compliment into the mix. ‘Suck me, beautiful’ and ‘Baby, you’re sooo tight’ were two particular favourites of mine.

I must confess however that, when it comes to talking dirty, I too am truly atrocious at it. I get overwhelmed by lexical choice and I develop a stutter to rival that of Gareth Gates (circa 2002). In the end, I admit defeat, and simply smile politely and nod in agreement with whatever lengthy monologue my boyfriend is professing. ‘I’m gonna stick my big hard dick in your dripping cunt’… ‘Ah... yes… me too.’

I think, therefore, that the true problem with dirty chat lies in the linguistics of it. Perhaps, like me, there are many other people who would love to serenade their partner with a mouthful of filth, but get too caught up in the vast amount of word choice. What, for example, do I call my vagina? ‘Cunt’ is too vulgar, ‘pussy’ is unoriginal and ‘vulva’ is just downright horrendous. Men, as always, have it easy. ‘Dick’. How nice and simple and inoffensive.

Maybe, then, the solution to our unintelligible stammering is a good old dirty text message. What’s better, really, than eating your sandwiches on your work break and receiving a message telling you just how hard you’re going to get fucked that evening by your boyfriend’s humongous cock? Plus, this comes with the added bonus of giving you an extended period of time in which to reply. And if you’re really stuck for a response, just Google ‘dirty chat examples’, select one at random and hit send. He’ll like it, trust me.

So men, today’s advice to you? For my sake, please, think before you speak. Worshipping its snugness may sound sexy in your head, but I very much doubt my vagina will be flattered. I don’t spread your legs and commend how wrinkly and pubescent your scrotum is. Take a few deep breaths first, calm yourselves. Know your boundaries. Tell me you want to be inside me, tell me how hard you are for me. Hell, even tell me you want my cum dripping off your face. Just don’t start glorifying my asshole. 

Orgasmic or Obscene (1)

Using Food In Bed

In between my busy schedule (of serving people chicken, making fruitless attempts to motivate myself to go to the gym and generally drinking far too much) I was failing to find the time to write mega blog posts. But I didn’t want to seem like one of those useless bloggers who don’t post anything for months at a time. Soooo… My solution is this. I am going to start a new feature: ‘Orgasmic or Obscene’, in which I will discuss the typical things that magazines reckon are great for spicing up your sex life. I plan to try these out, and then report back to you, my dear readers, so that you can try them yourselves (or not, as the case may be).

Anchor Squirty Cream: Definitely do not attempt the 'Extra Thick' one...

Recently, my boyfriend and I got incredibly drunk and decided it would be a fantastic idea to purchase some Anchor Squirty Cream from all-night Scotmid on our walk home. On reaching our final destination, we threw off our clothes in an inebriated fit of mad passion and proceeded to wap out the squirty cream. 

However, I imagine that normal people would squirt a line or 2 onto their partner, maybe around the nipples or just above the pubic region, and then lick it off in a suggestive manner. Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I are not normal people. We decided what would be even sexier would be to completely smother ourselves in it. It was ALL OVER ME. In my eyes, in my hair, up my nose, in my ears… You name an orifice, and there was bound to be cream in there. Evidently, attempting to lap all of this up would have been far from suggestive. Instead, we just had some rather sticky sex in what had now become a wet, creamy puddle. Yum.

We woke up in the morning, with appalling hangovers, only to discover we were both completely cemented to each other, and to the bed. To make matters worse, the cream had obviously reacted overnight with the hot bedroom air, and now smelt like a combination of out-of-date milk, and vomit. And the last thing you want whilst enduring a horrendous hangover is for your hair, face, clothes, bed, bedroom and boyfriend to all reek of puke. Needless to say, I had to immediately launch myself into the shower and throw all of my underwear and bed sheets into the wash. And then scrub down my boyfriend.

However, it wasn’t a completely negative experience, as I do remember us both laughing hysterically whilst sporting squirty cream beards and moustaches. And it got him naked and into the shower in the morning. In fact, it is possible to see why this could potentially be a turn on; my boyfriend and I are obviously just not serious enough for this variety of sexual endeavour. I recommend, therefore, that if you are going to attempt this yourself, it would be preferable to use something less sticky that neither congeals nor decomposes at room temperature. (This means definitely no chocolate sauce, or seafood.) And possibly utilise it in much more sparing quantities than we did…

Overall verdict? Affordable, if you're willing to spare £1.29. But has an unfortunate tendency to venture into unwanted places. And definitely needs to be washed off afterwards.

The Good, The Bad and The Slutty.

"La femme n'est victime d'aucune mystérieuse fatalité : il ne faut pas conclure que ses ovaires la condamnent à vivre éternellement à genoux."
 Simone de Beauvoir

The label ‘slut’ is tossed around rather haphazardly and far too often these days, in my opinion. And, in the majority of contexts, it is used as a pejorative. The dictionary itself regards it as such: 

slut [slʌt]

n

1. a dirty slatternly woman

2. an immoral woman

(Note: 'immoral'! It doesn't get much more outdated than that.)

Recently, one of my boyfriend’s friends was considering asking a girl out on a date, though he couldn’t quite make up his mind. His reasoning behind this indecision? She has a ‘reputation’, and he feared he would be laughed at for dating her. We females, however, it must be added, are subject to doing the exact same thing. If we discover a man has slept with an indeterminate amount of women, we immediately become much more wary, given his newly-verified status as a ‘player’. Here, we must once again note the vast divide between the two sexes: men won’t date ‘sluts’ for fear of being mocked; women won’t date ‘players’ for fear of heartbreak. 

Now, I may sound brassy and insolent with this next remark, but my question this week is as follows: who the fuck actually cares?! When did the quantity of someone’s previous sexual partners suddenly take centre stage when it comes to assessing their character? Whatever happened to personality, or sense of humour? And most importantly of all, when did we all become so fucking shallow?

Admittedly, no-strings-attached sex isn’t for everyone. Some women are downright useless at it. You are the women who drunkenly stumble into bed with a man, attempt to snuggle up afterwards, leave your number on a post-it note on his pillow (signed with a lipstick kiss) for when he wakes up, and then spend the next evening sobbing relentlessly into a cheap bottle of Chardonnay because he hasn’t yet added you on Facebook.

On the other hand, some of you are one-night stand pros. The ‘walk of shame’ does not exist in your world. Instead, you choose to stride home with pride, regardless of the fact that you’re only wearing one false eyelash and have left your bra behind.

Indeed, there is nothing wrong with not being a casual sex expert. It's really all about getting yourself into the right mindset. If you feel him starting to worm his way into anything other than your vagina, leave immediately and don't look back. To those of you who have this sussed (the so-called 'sluts' of the world) I salute you! You are fun, you experiment, you are audacious, you are confident, you challenge gender stereotypes and, let's face it, you come out of it with some very entertaining anecdotes. Myself, for example:

Christmas Eve, 2010, in the pub. The last thing I remember is someone slamming two large glasses of wine and a shot of Sambuca down in front of me. After that, I have some feeble recollections of attempting to give a blow job, but failing miserably as I had utterly forgotten the technique. At some stage I think we had sex… Maybe… I had clearly forced him to set an alarm, as I was rudely awoken at 9am on the dot by an incredibly irritating polyphonic version of the Nokia tune. A quick getaway was necessary, I decided, as I’d promised my Mum that I’d be home for Christmas. However, in the immense confusion that had been the night before, I had forgotten how I had come to be in his bedroom. So, too drunk to be socially acceptable, with mascara all down my face and half of my hair extensions hanging out on one side, I continued down the stairs… Little did I know that, at the bottom, sat his Mum, his Dad and his 6 year old little brother, merrily opening presents under the Christmas tree! I proceeded to introduce myself (!), wish a far too enthusiastic ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL!!’, before finally cascading wildly out of the front door.

But I digress. My point is this: does telling foolish stories like this about my sexual history render me a ‘slut’? Because, trust me, I’ve got so many more where that came from. Surely, what is more important is that I am able to recount this to you, my dear readers. I am neither humiliated nor ashamed by this experience, nor did I leave his house feeling dirty or cheap. I also managed to remember my pants (having probably not taken them off in the first place.)

My conclusion therefore is this: if you are choosing to shag everything with a pulse in a futile attempt  to increase your already diminished self-esteem then stop immediately, because this is where the problems start. Casual sex can never be the cure. There are many much more simple solutions (join a gym, eat more vegetables etc). However, if you are confident within yourself and happy with what you are doing, then fuck the dictionary definition, fuck the word 'slut' and, instead, go forth and fuck whoever the hell you want. In addition, maybe we should pay less attention to how many people we’ve slept with, and instead concentrate more on actually using protection during the act itself. Get your condoms on, lads. After all, nothing says ‘not tonight, love’ quite like a potentially large and deadly bout of syphilis. 

* All pictures featured on this blog post come from this website: http://motleynews.net/2012/04/23/war-o-women-powerful-messages-written-on-womens-bodies/  Take a look, it's some pretty powerful stuff.
** I have finally succeeded in getting a 'followers' button! (It took long enough.) So if you would like to keep up to date with this fantastic blog, do feel free to follow me =) As per usual, any comments and suggestions about the blog, or any questions for me are more than welcome.

Paris x

Why Don't You Go Fuck Yourself?

‘Hot blonde slut with massive jugs sliding her massive vibrator into her wet twat.’ The very intelligently composed description aside, so far the only amusing part of this video is that the protagonist is sporting a badly inked hash plant tattoo on her wrist. Why am I watching porn at 3pm on a Tuesday I hear you ask? Well, obviously it’s all in the name of blog research.

Now we all know men love to wank. And my boyfriend especially.  Unfortunately for me, I frequently have to be involved in this process. His argument, as I try and fail to avoid another full blast of jizz in my face?  Sperm  is great for the skin. Right…

Fortunately, it seems the 21^st century has given birth to a new breed of sexually open women, and we too like to get ourselves off. However, studies show that while 90% of the male population are wanking away regardless, only 65% of the total female population are. So I had to ask: what the hell are the other 35% doing? We successfully freed ourselves from the kitchen, but why are women still so reluctant to fuck themselves?

It amuses me to ponder how men believe we women masturbate. I imagine they think we do it in sexy lingerie, maybe watching porn or looking at ourselves seductively in the mirror. And I imagine they assume we think about them. Well, my apologies in advance, men, but you are sadly disillusioned. Here is the reality of when I participate in this particular pastime: what will I be wearing? It is highly likely that I haven’t even bothered to remove a scrap of clothing, and it is just as likely that I am wearing my most tragic pants (I do possess a particularly beautiful pair covered in bananas that would not look out of place on a campsite). And what will I be watching? I begin fully intending to simply watch something on my laptop and it’s only when I get bored that my hands start wandering south... Unfortunately, what I will have chosen to watch is not, in fact, a hot threesome with five squirting Asian babes, but rather something tragic like Glee or Grey’s Anatomy. It is only after I come that I realise that I have just masturbated over either an incredibly graphic limb amputation, or some over-enthusiastic young adults who erupt into song far more often than is really necessary in a 45 minute time slot.

I also always begin trying to picture something sexy and erotic. However, like most people’s, my mind has a habit of wandering and, in the end, I will reach climax picturing the lentil soup which I plan to have for dinner. I assume men around the country will be furiously wanking over this image of me as they read. (Those included in the 90%, that is.)

Personal sexual detour aside, I sincerely hope that the previously acknowledged 35% of non-masturbating women are simply too embarrassed to admit to it. However, I fear this is not the case.  You don’t have to trawl far through Google to find numerous accounts from women giving various reasons why they don’t do it. The main one which shocked me (probably because I’m a raging atheist) was that many women felt guilty because it is a sin in the eyes of God. My response? According to you religious folk, God designed the human body. Thus, God gave us a clitoris, which, if you haven’t yet noticed, has no other function than to give us pleasure. In addition, if Adam and Eve were the only living beings when the Earth was first created, what do we assume Eve did on the long nights when Adam had been working all day and claimed he was ‘too tired’? Ladies, God wanted you to enjoy yourselves so I suggest you go out, purchase the biggest vibrator you can find, and do what he asked.

 And if my God argument has so far failed to convince you, were you also aware of the many health benefits of masturbation? Not only does it function to relieve depression and increase self-esteem, it also lowers your blood pressure (yes, really!) and allows you to discover your own body. Because honestly, what is the point in having a PHD in Biochemistry if you don’t even know how to make yourself orgasm?

And let’s be honest here, you need to give yourself some love because, when it comes down to it, can anyone really fuck you better than you can? My fellow females, let us not allow men to have all the fun; let us raise those statistics to at least 91%! My advice to the 35% who still don’t? Put some Glee on, bore yourself senseless, and let your hands wander. Get with the times, people: it’s the 21^st century, and we’re all just a big bunch of wankers. 

**As a side note, comments about anything in this blog that you may like or despise, and suggestions of something you would like me to write about are always appreciated!