Monday 24 December 2012

All I Want For Christmas Is... A Good Hard Fuck.

So in amongst his not-so-busy schedule of Christmas shopping, getting stoned, and working 37.5 hours a week, my boyfriend has completely failed on the sex front this Xmas season. Thus, I have become Scrouge. I ask you, how am I supposed to blog about sex when I myself am not getting any?! 

 Thankfully, I can still haul my sense of humour back out (it was nesting somewhere beside my bowels), and therefore bring to you the joyous combination of Christmas, sex, and the advertising industry, as well as the not quite so successful amalgamation of Christmas and sex toys.

 I must add that I was also going to include some Christmas sex positions (‘Jingle My Balls’ etc) but, to be completely honest with you, I just can’t face it right now. Excuse me, I’m off to cry into a turkey…

Here are some amusing Christmas adverts:
1) Durex Condoms
 'This Christmas, don't get anything you didn't wish for.'
So much for jolly Christmas spirit...

Trust Sweden to sell sex toys in their local pharmacies. If this guy came (no pun intended) 
down my chimney, I think I'd be running for the hills. I wonder how many times the
artist vomited whilst drawing this picture.

3) Harvey Nichols  
I love this because it reminds me so much of me, Christmas 2010. 
(For more details, read my post entitled 'The Good, The Bad And The Slutty')

And some awful Christmas sex toys:

1) 'I Rub My Duckie'

So it's a Christmas bauble... with a duck inside... which vibrates?
Well that makes perfect sense...

2) Candy Cane G-String
I actually feel incredibly sorry for this guy.
I wonder how many times a week he went to the gym, only to model this monstrosity.

3) Santa Vibe
'Mrs. Claus is Cuming Tonight!' is she?
Shame no one fucking else is...

4) Ehhhh...?!
This looks offensive enough anyway, never mind the fact
that they've tried to make it look like a candy cane.
Imagine finding this in your Christmas stocking... Just imagine.

So there we have it, some prime examples of cracking Christmas commercialisation. Which one of the above would terrify you the most if you unwrapped it on Christmas day? Hopefully this blog post has cheered up those who, just like me, will be getting absolutely no sex whatsoever on Christmas day. I might just chuck on a santa hat and a pair of suspenders and pounce... Merry fucking Christmas everybody! Bah humbug. 

Paris x

1 comment:

  1. "my boyfriend has completely failed on the sex front this Xmas season."

    My motto is: God helps those who help themselves so, when your bf is next stoned, go jump his bones!!! And if that's a no go then give him a swift kick in the stones (to get his attention)! :-)

    Personally I wouldn't treat my lady that way. After we got finished, like Santa, she'd be cumming down the chimney and up the freakin walls !!! (evil grin)

    Merry Christmas Paris and hope that you get some good hard fucking tonight after all.


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