Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Don't Be A Pussy When Eating Pussy

By now, I really should have learnt my lesson that nothing good can ever come from Googling my chosen blog topic. This week, I have a prime example: http://beefpattie.com/why-i-dont-eat-pussy/

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to ‘Moo Cow’ and his laughable, egocentric and utterly misogynistic blog post which ultimately functions to highlight his fear of women. I’m not an angry person, but the manner in which this shame of a human being divulges his self-indulgent opinions makes me want to throw him off the edge of the Burj Khalifa. Twice. Naturally, I had to respond:

Firstly, in terms of the cleanliness of oral sex, you men can argue for as long as you like that the vagina isn’t the most delicious delicacy to have ever been sampled by your palate, but what were you expecting, really, from your private dinner for one? The Pussy is not a Michelin Star restaurant. You piss out of the end of your cock too, in case you’ve forgotten. How many times do you think we women have tasted that?! Suck it up, men. Literally. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Moreover, I’m sure some men could choose to argue that the vagina isn’t exactly beautiful to look at, and I accept this as a fair point. Granted, it is no Mona Lisa. But have you seen your penis lately? Christ, have you seen your scrotum?! And we women have to be inches away from that thing in order to pleasure you. Talk about making sacrifices for the people you love…

Secondly, remember what your parents taught you when you were buying Christmas presents for your friends? ‘You don’t give to receive.’ This is most certainly not the case with oral sex. As my boyfriend often states when he wants some of my Nando’s, ‘sharing’s caring’. To me, completely disregarding my vagina but still expecting oral sex for yourself is an example of inequality tantamount to that of disproportionate wages and the workplace ‘glass ceiling’. Surely, allowing a man to receive, but not to give, is simply the first step is complying with a long list of other refusals. First it’s head, then it’s the dishes, and before you know it he has conveniently ‘forgotten’ to pick you up after work, leaving you to do the hour and a half walk home, wearing 5 inch heels, in a blistering snowstorm, because ‘the exercise would have done you some good, chubby.’

Thirdly, in response to ‘Moo Cow’ and his argument that nobody watches the lick out scenes in porn, I fucking do! Put your hands up if you do too! It’s the first thing I fast forward to. You know what I don’t watch, however? The part where the guy gets a blowjob and then wanks off onto the woman’s tits. That’s just dull, unexciting, and insultingly unoriginal.

In addition, yes, STI’s may be more likely to lie dormant inside the female, but does this signify that women, in general, are more likely to actually have an STI? No, it does not. In 2011, in England, there were 291 reported and recorded cases of women with syphilis. How many male cases, I hear you ask? Oh, only 2,349. Similarly, there were 14,992 recorded male cases of gonorrhoea, in comparison to the 5,192 female ones. Boom.

Finally, in response to ‘Black men don’t eat pussy’, just shut up. In 2010, it was estimated that there were almost 39 million Black Americans in the USA alone. Are you honestly trying to insist that not even one of the 39 million has ever been tempted to put his face between a woman’s legs? I don’t seem that gullible, do I?

Now, I have been very naïve in the past, I admit it. But it just simply never occurred to me that any member of the male species would detest and therefore withhold oral sex. That is, until I met James. He didn’t like it and thus point blank refused.  Not even a quick sniff in that region or a cheeky probe of the tongue. And did I justify his refusal with pathetic arguments like ‘Well… the vagina isn’t actually that clean’ or ‘Black men don’t eat pussy’ à la the idiot in the aforementioned blog post? No, I did not. I simply concluded that he was a huge wanker and forgot about his existence. (He also wasn’t black, so that argument would have been completely void...)

It has to be noted, however, that there is a slight ray of hope on the horizon. The idiotic author of the blog post does state in his conclusion that he is willing to change his (awful) practices for his future wife. However, I fear his chances of finding a woman willing to marry him in the first place are rather slim. I certainly wouldn’t wish to spend an extended period of time in the company of a man who was repulsed by the concept of oral sex, never mind accept him as my husband. Good luck though, ‘Moo Cow’. I hope you and your blow-up doll wife are very happy together.

So ladies, if you ever come across a man who isn’t hungry for what’s on offer, leave him to eat alone. I believe the Chinese round the corner from me does a particularly hearty Meal For One.