Why Don't You Go Fuck Yourself?

‘Hot blonde slut with massive jugs sliding her massive vibrator into her wet twat.’ The very intelligently composed description aside, so far the only amusing part of this video is that the protagonist is sporting a badly inked hash plant tattoo on her wrist. Why am I watching porn at 3pm on a Tuesday I hear you ask? Well, obviously it’s all in the name of blog research.

Now we all know men love to wank. And my boyfriend especially.  Unfortunately for me, I frequently have to be involved in this process. His argument, as I try and fail to avoid another full blast of jizz in my face?  Sperm  is great for the skin. Right…

Fortunately, it seems the 21^st century has given birth to a new breed of sexually open women, and we too like to get ourselves off. However, studies show that while 90% of the male population are wanking away regardless, only 65% of the total female population are. So I had to ask: what the hell are the other 35% doing? We successfully freed ourselves from the kitchen, but why are women still so reluctant to fuck themselves?

It amuses me to ponder how men believe we women masturbate. I imagine they think we do it in sexy lingerie, maybe watching porn or looking at ourselves seductively in the mirror. And I imagine they assume we think about them. Well, my apologies in advance, men, but you are sadly disillusioned. Here is the reality of when I participate in this particular pastime: what will I be wearing? It is highly likely that I haven’t even bothered to remove a scrap of clothing, and it is just as likely that I am wearing my most tragic pants (I do possess a particularly beautiful pair covered in bananas that would not look out of place on a campsite). And what will I be watching? I begin fully intending to simply watch something on my laptop and it’s only when I get bored that my hands start wandering south... Unfortunately, what I will have chosen to watch is not, in fact, a hot threesome with five squirting Asian babes, but rather something tragic like Glee or Grey’s Anatomy. It is only after I come that I realise that I have just masturbated over either an incredibly graphic limb amputation, or some over-enthusiastic young adults who erupt into song far more often than is really necessary in a 45 minute time slot.

I also always begin trying to picture something sexy and erotic. However, like most people’s, my mind has a habit of wandering and, in the end, I will reach climax picturing the lentil soup which I plan to have for dinner. I assume men around the country will be furiously wanking over this image of me as they read. (Those included in the 90%, that is.)

Personal sexual detour aside, I sincerely hope that the previously acknowledged 35% of non-masturbating women are simply too embarrassed to admit to it. However, I fear this is not the case.  You don’t have to trawl far through Google to find numerous accounts from women giving various reasons why they don’t do it. The main one which shocked me (probably because I’m a raging atheist) was that many women felt guilty because it is a sin in the eyes of God. My response? According to you religious folk, God designed the human body. Thus, God gave us a clitoris, which, if you haven’t yet noticed, has no other function than to give us pleasure. In addition, if Adam and Eve were the only living beings when the Earth was first created, what do we assume Eve did on the long nights when Adam had been working all day and claimed he was ‘too tired’? Ladies, God wanted you to enjoy yourselves so I suggest you go out, purchase the biggest vibrator you can find, and do what he asked.

 And if my God argument has so far failed to convince you, were you also aware of the many health benefits of masturbation? Not only does it function to relieve depression and increase self-esteem, it also lowers your blood pressure (yes, really!) and allows you to discover your own body. Because honestly, what is the point in having a PHD in Biochemistry if you don’t even know how to make yourself orgasm?

And let’s be honest here, you need to give yourself some love because, when it comes down to it, can anyone really fuck you better than you can? My fellow females, let us not allow men to have all the fun; let us raise those statistics to at least 91%! My advice to the 35% who still don’t? Put some Glee on, bore yourself senseless, and let your hands wander. Get with the times, people: it’s the 21^st century, and we’re all just a big bunch of wankers. 

**As a side note, comments about anything in this blog that you may like or despise, and suggestions of something you would like me to write about are always appreciated!