Friday 5 October 2012

Go Big or Go Home?

So, whilst doing some online research to determine what was to be my next fascinating blog topic, I stumbled across a rather interesting article on our good old friend the penis. (When I say ‘stumbled across’, obviously I mean I typed ‘penis size’ directly into the Google search engine). This article ( written by a certain Dr David Devlin, describes how previous statistics regarding penis size given in both medical books and press articles are likely to have been inaccurate, and that the average penile length is in fact significantly smaller than previously claimed.

As a result, research into this area will no longer be counting on ‘notoriously unreliable’ self-measurement, given that the results tend to be skewed by people who falsely claim to be 10 or 11 inches long’ (!).  However, it is not simply these ridiculous overestimaters that are to blame, as the author, our good friend David, also raises the issue of men who are using ‘inaccurate rulers or ancient tape measures.’ Have we really all now become so money-hungry that stationers are purposefully selling us unreliable and prehistoric measuring equipment?

Let’s be serious for a moment, we are all fully aware that no two penises are the same. We've all heard the horror stories of the ‘chode’ penis. (For those of you who are blissfully ignorant of this concept, it signifies a penis which is wider than it is long). Likewise, nobody wants to be like the world famous Jonah Falcon, 13.5 inches and girlfriendless for the past 12 years. So this got me thinking: Can we honestly continue reassuring men sporting 3-inchers that it’s not the size but rather the motion in the ocean that actually counts? And how big really is too big?

Now I have a story for you. I met a guy when I was travelling China. He was 26, from London, stood at about 7ft tall and had a cock to match. The first time his monstrous penis and I became acquainted was on the top bunk of a sleeper train travelling from Xi’an to Yangzhou (classy girl that I am). I proceeded to go down on him, only to get the shock of my life when I discovered what was lurking under the covers waiting for me. I promise that I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I could barely fit it in my mouth. Unfortunately, I never got to experience what it would have been like to have that monstrosity inside me, (trust me, I tried!) as I’m entirely convinced that he had a long term girlfriend awaiting him (and it) back at home.

My friend, on the other hand, dated a guy for 3 years who was nicknamed ‘the Pringle’s tube’. I don’t think her vagina has ever fully recovered.

Fortunately for me, my boyfriend has a lovely penis. It’s big, but not so big that it becomes synonymous with terrifying. It’s also quite nice to look at (no pubes hanging out the bell end, no over-sized swollen balls etc.) I have also never been this attracted to anyone in my entire life. My ex, on the other hand, had a perfectly fine sized penis… Actually, come to think of it, maybe it was slightly smaller than your average… Either way, towards the end of our completely failing 5 year relationship, the sexual attraction had entirely disappeared and I had no desire whatsoever for that to be anywhere near my vagina.

My conclusion therefore is this: When it comes down to it, maybe it is neither the size nor the motion in the ocean that really counts, but rather how hot you both are for each other. Why does it matter if he is slightly smaller than your average, if you want him to throw you down, tear off your pants and stick it in you anyway? So Dr David, my advice to you? Stop writing articles in a futile attempt to justify your own penile insecurities, and instead go out and find a woman who makes you feel like the world will end if you don’t have her then and there. If she feels the same attraction for you, (you haven’t included a self-portrait in your article, so I’m not sure how likely this is) then you’re sorted. Unless, of course, your penis is in fact 2 inches long. In that case, I’m sorry sweetheart, but no amount of self-indulgent, ego conditioning articles can save you now.

1 comment:

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Lots of love,
Paris x