So, whilst doing some online research to determine what was to be my next fascinating blog topic, I stumbled across a rather interesting article on our good old friend the penis. (When I say ‘stumbled across’, obviously I mean I typed ‘penis size’ directly into the Google search engine). This article (http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/penissize.htm) written by a certain Dr David Devlin, describes how previous statistics regarding penis size given in both medical books and press articles are likely to have been inaccurate, and that the average penile length is in fact significantly smaller than previously claimed.
As a
result, research into this area will no longer be counting on ‘notoriously
unreliable’ self-measurement, given that ‘the results tend to be skewed by people who falsely
claim to be 10 or 11 inches long’ (!).
However, it is not simply these ridiculous overestimaters that are to blame,
as the author, our good friend David, also raises the issue of men who are
using ‘inaccurate rulers or ancient tape measures.’ Have we really all now
become so money-hungry that stationers are purposefully selling us unreliable
and prehistoric measuring equipment?
Let’s be serious for a moment, we are
all fully aware that no two penises are the same. We've all heard the horror
stories of the ‘chode’ penis. (For those of you who are blissfully ignorant of
this concept, it signifies a penis which is wider than it is long). Likewise,
nobody wants to be like the world famous Jonah Falcon, 13.5 inches and
girlfriendless for the past 12 years. So this got me thinking: Can we honestly
continue reassuring men sporting 3-inchers that it’s not the size but rather
the motion in the ocean that actually counts? And how big really is too big?
Now I have a story for you. I met a
guy when I was travelling China. He was 26, from London, stood at about 7ft
tall and had a cock to match. The first time his monstrous penis and I became
acquainted was on the top bunk of a sleeper train travelling from Xi’an to
Yangzhou (classy girl that I am). I proceeded to go down on him, only to get
the shock of my life when I discovered what was lurking under the covers
waiting for me. I promise that I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I
could barely fit it in my mouth. Unfortunately, I never got to experience what it
would have been like to have that monstrosity inside me, (trust me, I tried!)
as I’m entirely convinced that he had a long term girlfriend awaiting him (and
it) back at home.
My friend, on the other hand, dated a
guy for 3 years who was nicknamed ‘the Pringle’s tube’. I don’t think her
vagina has ever fully recovered.
Fortunately for me, my boyfriend has
a lovely penis. It’s big, but not so big that it becomes synonymous with
terrifying. It’s also quite nice to look at (no pubes hanging out the bell end,
no over-sized swollen balls etc.) I have also never been this attracted to
anyone in my entire life. My ex, on the other hand, had a perfectly fine sized
penis… Actually, come to think of it, maybe it was slightly smaller than your
average… Either way, towards the end of our completely failing 5 year
relationship, the sexual attraction had entirely disappeared and I had no
desire whatsoever for that to be anywhere near my vagina.
My conclusion therefore is this: When
it comes down to it, maybe it is neither the size nor the motion in the ocean
that really counts, but rather how hot you both are for each other. Why does it
matter if he is slightly smaller than your average, if you want him to throw you
down, tear off your pants and stick it in you anyway? So Dr David, my advice to
you? Stop writing articles in a futile attempt to justify your own penile
insecurities, and instead go out and find a woman who makes you feel like the
world will end if you don’t have her then and there. If she feels the same
attraction for you, (you haven’t included a self-portrait in your article, so
I’m not sure how likely this is) then you’re sorted. Unless, of course, your penis is in
fact 2 inches long. In that case, I’m sorry sweetheart, but no amount of
self-indulgent, ego conditioning articles can save you now.
haha this is hilarious
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