Pain In My Ass

* Before we get started, I would just like to add that this entire post may have just been contradicted by thesaurus.com, which appears to have no existing synonyms for ‘anus’, and, when I attempted my key subject matter ‘anal’, it simply gave me ‘hemorrhoids’. Luckily, I am not yet old enough to be blogging about those.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like sex. Be it on my front, on my back, hanging upside down from the ceiling… I could go on. And I wouldn’t run screaming to the hills if I was to ever meet someone with an interest in spanking; I have no problem with a little pain for pleasure. What I fail to understand, however, is man’s new found desire to experiment by putting… no, hold on, forcing his penis into diverse areas of the body. Which led me to ask myself: who or what is to blame for contemporary society’s ever increasing obsession with anal? Why are men no longer content with some good, old fashioned vaginal intercourse?

First and foremost, before anyone presumes I am knocking it before I’ve actually even tried it, trust me, I’ve been there. I may have had just a little bit too much alcohol before the act itself took place, and may have forgotten many aspects of it, but I do remember the excruciating pain. That, in addition to the unrelenting sensation that I was going to shit myself, well… you don’t have to be a mathematician to work out that 2 + 2 did not equal earth shattering orgasms.

I guess we could attempt to blame the porn industry. However, due to my boyfriend being seemingly incapable of deleting his internet history off my laptop, I am well aware that when he is all alone in the flat he is not, unfortunately, trawling Google for images of cute kittens. (Although, to be honest, this would probably scare me more). And yet, when we go to bed, he does not attempt to piss in my mouth, nor does he fantasize about me vomiting all over the face of a 16 year old Japanese girl in crotch-less leather trousers. Why then, is it only the anal aspect that he chooses to focus on?

Personally, I blame modern manufacturers. Contemporary companies feed on the one main vice of humanity: laziness. And the majority of the products that we crave these days are designed with this in mind. Heinz Beans, for example, have recently released what they choose to call a ‘handy fridge pack’. Just look at it:

I honestly wasn’t aware that the human population had undergone such a grueling struggle with the tin opener; I must have missed all the striking...

Now, don’t worry Heinz Beans, I am not fully blaming you for modern man’s anal obsession, but it cannot be denied that you, and companies like you, are a part of the problem. Vaginal intercourse was clearly just too much effort for our century’s men. They have given up. They want to thrust 4 times and be done. In, out, in, out… victory. No need to exert themselves.

Well, modern man, here is some advice to you, from me: Pull your finger out. (Literally. Another thing no one appreciates is a cheeky finger in their ass when they are least expecting it.) And we, as women, will give you something in return, something pleasurable yet pain free. Use your imagination, or focus on a different aspect of your favourite porn film. You can cum on my face and my tits all you want, just fuck me in the vagina first.