Sunday 4 November 2012

Orgasmic or Obscene (1)

Using Food In Bed

In between my busy schedule (of serving people chicken, making fruitless attempts to motivate myself to go to the gym and generally drinking far too much) I was failing to find the time to write mega blog posts. But I didn’t want to seem like one of those useless bloggers who don’t post anything for months at a time. Soooo… My solution is this. I am going to start a new feature: ‘Orgasmic or Obscene’, in which I will discuss the typical things that magazines reckon are great for spicing up your sex life. I plan to try these out, and then report back to you, my dear readers, so that you can try them yourselves (or not, as the case may be).

Anchor Squirty Cream: Definitely do not attempt the 'Extra Thick' one...

Recently, my boyfriend and I got incredibly drunk and decided it would be a fantastic idea to purchase some Anchor Squirty Cream from all-night Scotmid on our walk home. On reaching our final destination, we threw off our clothes in an inebriated fit of mad passion and proceeded to wap out the squirty cream. 

However, I imagine that normal people would squirt a line or 2 onto their partner, maybe around the nipples or just above the pubic region, and then lick it off in a suggestive manner. Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I are not normal people. We decided what would be even sexier would be to completely smother ourselves in it. It was ALL OVER ME. In my eyes, in my hair, up my nose, in my ears… You name an orifice, and there was bound to be cream in there. Evidently, attempting to lap all of this up would have been far from suggestive. Instead, we just had some rather sticky sex in what had now become a wet, creamy puddle. Yum.

We woke up in the morning, with appalling hangovers, only to discover we were both completely cemented to each other, and to the bed. To make matters worse, the cream had obviously reacted overnight with the hot bedroom air, and now smelt like a combination of out-of-date milk, and vomit. And the last thing you want whilst enduring a horrendous hangover is for your hair, face, clothes, bed, bedroom and boyfriend to all reek of puke. Needless to say, I had to immediately launch myself into the shower and throw all of my underwear and bed sheets into the wash. And then scrub down my boyfriend.

However, it wasn’t a completely negative experience, as I do remember us both laughing hysterically whilst sporting squirty cream beards and moustaches. And it got him naked and into the shower in the morning. In fact, it is possible to see why this could potentially be a turn on; my boyfriend and I are obviously just not serious enough for this variety of sexual endeavour. I recommend, therefore, that if you are going to attempt this yourself, it would be preferable to use something less sticky that neither congeals nor decomposes at room temperature. (This means definitely no chocolate sauce, or seafood.) And possibly utilise it in much more sparing quantities than we did…

Overall verdict? Affordable, if you're willing to spare £1.29. But has an unfortunate tendency to venture into unwanted places. And definitely needs to be washed off afterwards.

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