Saturday 10 August 2013

Don't Call It a COME back.

I really must begin with an apology. I was both shocked and slightly ashamed to realise that I hadn’t posted anything on here since early February! For this, all I can give you is a limited number of excuses. One being that I currently have absolutely no money! The main side effect of this, in addition to the fact that I can no longer afford to pay my rent, is that I can very rarely afford to buy tobacco. I do a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw, you see, in which I like to sit in front of my laptop, typing with one hand and chain-smoking with the other. The primary reason for my disgraceful lack of blog posting, however, is that I broke up with my boyfriend in March. Towards the end of our fast-declining relationship, I could count the amount of monthly sex sessions on one hand, give or take a few fingers. Excuse the pun. Simply put, I had no writing fuel.

Never fear, however, as I now have a fantastic new man in my life and, thank the lord! He is willing to have sex with me. My vibrator has returned to its old home (aka inside a slipper.) On with the show…

Incited by a recent Cosmo article, today we shall be discussing the at times somewhat taboo subject of the female orgasm. While some women may cut their losses when they fail to achieve this and assume its likeliness of occurring is on par with that of a dodo emerging from their vagina, I must strongly insist that this is truly not the case. Alas! There is hope on the (extinct bird-scattered) horizon. First and foremost, let us not assume that this is going to be an easy journey. Unfortunately, we are not men. We cannot simply beat the thing a couple of times and then sluggishly ejaculate into the nearest available dish towel. According to statistics, almost 75% of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone. I myself am included in this 75%, give or take the occasional miraculous triumph on the battlefield. However, 10 to 15% of women never climax under any circumstances, and it is to them that I am dedicating this post.

The main concern, or so it seems, for women who have never achieved orgasm, is that there is something wrong with them. Internet pornography could be suggested to be largely to blame for this common misconception, given that the women featured are in an almost constant state of sexual ecstasy and squirting everywhere. Ladies, there is absolutely nothing, and I repeat ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, wrong with you if you have never had an orgasm! If you are as of yet unconvinced, however, here are a few suggestions to help you along:

1) Wank: And if at first you don’t succeed, wank harder. Use your fingers, use a vibrator, use a marrow if you can get it up there! I know I say this all the time, but it really is the best and only way to get to know yourself and what gets you off. How can you instruct your partner on how to make you orgasm if you don’t know yourself? Take one evening off when nobody is home, light some candles, make some tea, even crank up some Lionel Richie if you must (we won’t judge!), and just really fucking go for it. If this still hasn’t convinced you to masturbate, here is an entire post that I wrote on the subject:

2) Communicate: Once you have an idea of what you like, you then must transfer this information onto someone else. Think of it like imparting a beautiful gift of knowledge. Even if you only have an inkling of what you may enjoy, let them know. Give them the reigns, but guide them as they go. If they lose their way, bring them back again. If it feels amazing, tell them. If it’s the worst thing you’ve ever experienced in your entire life, tell them… but sympathetically.

3) Relax: Easier said than done though, right? When I get with someone new, despite the fact that I know exactly how I like it and have done for years, I find it incredibly difficult to orgasm for the first few times with them. This is where no.2 comes back into play. I tell them this. I inform them that it’s nothing that they’re doing wrong, it just takes me a while to relax into it the first few times. Try to focus your thoughts on what they are doing. If you can’t do this, focus your thoughts on things that you would normally think about whilst you get yourself off. If you wank to porn, for a cheeky bit of visual stimulation, focus on a particularly dirty scene that you enjoyed. Even if this includes 4 plumbers in dungaree shorts and an excessive amount of plungers.

4) Try it whilst having sex: I always find this to be the easiest way to orgasm. Get on top, ride like you’re straddling a bunking bronco, and play with your clit at the same time. Close your eyes, focus on those dirty thoughts, and just let go. Be selfish for once. After all, if he’s pounding you from behind, who do you think he’s focusing on?!

5) Have no fear: Be open to experimentation. It’s always going to be trial and error until you find what really works for you, but you’ll never know unless you try!

So push the tsunami-like ejaculations you’ve seen in porn aside, because let’s be real for a second, no human female has ever come after 5 minutes of mundane fingering on a kitchen counter. Shut your eyes and just lose yourself in the moment because, when it comes to orgasming, concentration really is key. You CAN do it, and when you do, fucking shout it from the rooftops! Tell your friends, tell your neighbours, hell, even comment below and tell me! Just don’t call it a comeback...

Additionally, if anyone has any advice for me, in order to remove myself from the 75% who never reach orgasm through intercourse alone, leave me a comment below! I am always happy to give anything a go!


  1. Nice to see that your blog is still alive, if perhaps a little financially poor at the moment! Enjoying orgasms is often a challenge for you ladies, I know. While us guys tend to often take it for granted. I agree with your suggestions, especially #4 where a gal has the best of control and pacing. Not to mention I then can have fun getting her nippies all hard and excited as she rides me ragged! :-)

    Also, as you mention, communication and feeling relaxed is important. Achieving the goal of always reaching an orgasm isn't always that important so long as both partners enjoy a wicked and decadent time playing the game!


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