Don't Call It a COME back.

I really must begin with an apology. I was both shocked and slightly ashamed to realise that I hadn’t posted anything on here since early February! For this, all I can give you is a limited number of excuses. One being that I currently have absolutely no money! The main side effect of this, in addition to the fact that I can no longer afford to pay my rent, is that I can very rarely afford to buy tobacco. I do a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw, you see, in which I like to sit in front of my laptop, typing with one hand and chain-smoking with the other. The primary reason for my disgraceful lack of blog posting, however, is that I broke up with my boyfriend in March. Towards the end of our fast-declining relationship, I could count the amount of monthly sex sessions on one hand, give or take a few fingers. Excuse the pun. Simply put, I had no writing fuel.

Never fear, however, as I now have a fantastic new man in my life and, thank the lord! He is willing to have sex with me. My vibrator has returned to its old home (aka inside a slipper.) On with the show…

Incited by a recent Cosmo article, today we shall be discussing the at times somewhat taboo subject of the female orgasm. While some women may cut their losses when they fail to achieve this and assume its likeliness of occurring is on par with that of a dodo emerging from their vagina, I must strongly insist that this is truly not the case. Alas! There is hope on the (extinct bird-scattered) horizon. First and foremost, let us not assume that this is going to be an easy journey. Unfortunately, we are not men. We cannot simply beat the thing a couple of times and then sluggishly ejaculate into the nearest available dish towel. According to statistics, almost 75% of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone. I myself am included in this 75%, give or take the occasional miraculous triumph on the battlefield. However, 10 to 15% of women never climax under any circumstances, and it is to them that I am dedicating this post.

The main concern, or so it seems, for women who have never achieved orgasm, is that there is something wrong with them. Internet pornography could be suggested to be largely to blame for this common misconception, given that the women featured are in an almost constant state of sexual ecstasy and squirting everywhere. Ladies, there is absolutely nothing, and I repeat ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, wrong with you if you have never had an orgasm! If you are as of yet unconvinced, however, here are a few suggestions to help you along:

1) Wank: And if at first you don’t succeed, wank harder. Use your fingers, use a vibrator, use a marrow if you can get it up there! I know I say this all the time, but it really is the best and only way to get to know yourself and what gets you off. How can you instruct your partner on how to make you orgasm if you don’t know yourself? Take one evening off when nobody is home, light some candles, make some tea, even crank up some Lionel Richie if you must (we won’t judge!), and just really fucking go for it. If this still hasn’t convinced you to masturbate, here is an entire post that I wrote on the subject: http://between-your-legs.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/why-dont-you-go-fuck-yourself.html

2) Communicate: Once you have an idea of what you like, you then must transfer this information onto someone else. Think of it like imparting a beautiful gift of knowledge. Even if you only have an inkling of what you may enjoy, let them know. Give them the reigns, but guide them as they go. If they lose their way, bring them back again. If it feels amazing, tell them. If it’s the worst thing you’ve ever experienced in your entire life, tell them… but sympathetically.

3) Relax: Easier said than done though, right? When I get with someone new, despite the fact that I know exactly how I like it and have done for years, I find it incredibly difficult to orgasm for the first few times with them. This is where no.2 comes back into play. I tell them this. I inform them that it’s nothing that they’re doing wrong, it just takes me a while to relax into it the first few times. Try to focus your thoughts on what they are doing. If you can’t do this, focus your thoughts on things that you would normally think about whilst you get yourself off. If you wank to porn, for a cheeky bit of visual stimulation, focus on a particularly dirty scene that you enjoyed. Even if this includes 4 plumbers in dungaree shorts and an excessive amount of plungers.

4) Try it whilst having sex: I always find this to be the easiest way to orgasm. Get on top, ride like you’re straddling a bunking bronco, and play with your clit at the same time. Close your eyes, focus on those dirty thoughts, and just let go. Be selfish for once. After all, if he’s pounding you from behind, who do you think he’s focusing on?!

5) Have no fear: Be open to experimentation. It’s always going to be trial and error until you find what really works for you, but you’ll never know unless you try!

So push the tsunami-like ejaculations you’ve seen in porn aside, because let’s be real for a second, no human female has ever come after 5 minutes of mundane fingering on a kitchen counter. Shut your eyes and just lose yourself in the moment because, when it comes to orgasming, concentration really is key. You CAN do it, and when you do, fucking shout it from the rooftops! Tell your friends, tell your neighbours, hell, even comment below and tell me! Just don’t call it a comeback...

Additionally, if anyone has any advice for me, in order to remove myself from the 75% who never reach orgasm through intercourse alone, leave me a comment below! I am always happy to give anything a go!

Orgasmic or Obscene (2)

How To Squirt In His Face

** To anyone who knows me personally, you may wish to stop reading now. This may be a little too much information for you...

I think it must be rather obvious by now that I rely on Google quite heavily to get me through my days here on Planet Earth. However, I was dumbfounded recently when I made the shocking discovery that it is not, in fact, as wholly reliable as it had previously led me to believe. As it turns out, typing 'Female ejaculation' into the Google search bar provides an abundance of similar results, none of which seem particularly truthful or useful. Or maybe it's just me...

The majority of websites that I have researched give exactly the same advice: Put your fingers a few inches inside her vagina and stimulate the spongy area which can be located towards the front of the pelvis. Do this ceaselessly. Do not react negatively when she ejaculates. Oh, and p.s, don't worry, it's not urine. Probably.

If what you desire is a raw and swollen g-spot, do feel free to follow the above method. For those of you who don't, however, here is how to ejaculate, Paris Talor style:

First, have sex. A penis relentlessly rubbing against your g-spot is much better than two flailing fingers, trust me. Here are a few good g-spot stimulating positions:

 
1) G-Wizz: If this is done well, you shall be screaming.



2)  Downward Dog: Lying down doggy is, for some reason, significantly better than regular doggy. Possibly because you feel a little less like man's best friend.
 
3) The Mistress: Do this, do this, do this, do this. It is, without a doubt, one of the best positions ever invented. You will come, and come, and come, and then come some more.   

Ignore the first two; go with position 3. Do this until you are thoroughly orgasmed out. Next, sit astride his face, like so:

   

He can use his tongue slightly, if you like, but what is most important of all is that you use your fingers. I've said it before and I'll say it again, no one can fuck you quite like you can. He can also put his fingers inside you now, but only if he promises that there will be no aimless prodding.

Continue like this. When you feel yourself on the verge of orgasm, you may need to push slightly. Try your best not to fart, this may kill the mood. And one last word of advice, to contradict that of the numerous aforementioned web pages: It does not feel like you are going to pee. There is a noticeable difference between the sensation before you squirt, and that before you pee. So don't worry, just let it go. My boyfriend thinks it's the sexiest thing he's ever seen. 

So there you have it. It does take a surprising amount of effort to achieve, but if you have the time (and some clean sheets), go for it. What have you got to lose, really? Think about it, how many times has he came on your bed/on your face/on your tits/in your hair? Ladies, it's high time you got your own back.

** I would like to add that this is what worked for me, therefore I felt I must share it with the women of the world. If this works for you too, please report back to me, it will make me happy! Additionally, if you have any other methods that work for you, or anything that you've read about that you would like me to attempt (!), please do comment and let me know =) 

Paris x
   

A Little Less Conversation...

Occasionally I fantasize about binding my boyfriend to the bed, moving slowly upwards towards his face, gagging him… to make him shut the fuck up. Dirty chat itself poses no problem to me whatsoever, when it is done well. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. “I’m gonna put my big fat baby maker inside your hole!”, “I’m gonna fill your ass with my cum, baby. This is how a real man fucks!” or “Daddy’s gonna fill you up, fuck your tight little cunt! He’s gonna make you scream with his big dick!” are just a couple of ways to guarantee you will be getting no sex that night, or possibly ever again. In your life. The latter in particular, given the use of the word ‘Daddy’, in combination with the switch to the third-person narrative.

Regrettably, it is not only in the bedroom where men fail to think before they speak. When a friend of mine got into an argument with her ex-boyfriend, he shouted that one of the main reasons that he was no longer happy in their relationship was because she had never taken his career seriously. He was working full time at Nando’s. (In the lowest possible position, might I add.)

The same friend also once had a drunken argument with a different ex. Afterwards, he headed back to their flat while she chose to stay out. She eventually returned home to find him in an incredibly upset state and, when she questioned what the hell was the matter, he informed her that he’d been so grieved by their argument that he had tried to kill himself… by holding a pillow over his own face for two hours. 

But let’s get back to sex, and ask ourselves, why is it that men assume that spewing an abundance of nonsensical profanities turns us on? What makes it worse is when, sometimes, for added measure, they even attempt to throw a compliment into the mix. ‘Suck me, beautiful’ and ‘Baby, you’re sooo tight’ were two particular favourites of mine.

I must confess however that, when it comes to talking dirty, I too am truly atrocious at it. I get overwhelmed by lexical choice and I develop a stutter to rival that of Gareth Gates (circa 2002). In the end, I admit defeat, and simply smile politely and nod in agreement with whatever lengthy monologue my boyfriend is professing. ‘I’m gonna stick my big hard dick in your dripping cunt’… ‘Ah... yes… me too.’

I think, therefore, that the true problem with dirty chat lies in the linguistics of it. Perhaps, like me, there are many other people who would love to serenade their partner with a mouthful of filth, but get too caught up in the vast amount of word choice. What, for example, do I call my vagina? ‘Cunt’ is too vulgar, ‘pussy’ is unoriginal and ‘vulva’ is just downright horrendous. Men, as always, have it easy. ‘Dick’. How nice and simple and inoffensive.

Maybe, then, the solution to our unintelligible stammering is a good old dirty text message. What’s better, really, than eating your sandwiches on your work break and receiving a message telling you just how hard you’re going to get fucked that evening by your boyfriend’s humongous cock? Plus, this comes with the added bonus of giving you an extended period of time in which to reply. And if you’re really stuck for a response, just Google ‘dirty chat examples’, select one at random and hit send. He’ll like it, trust me.

So men, today’s advice to you? For my sake, please, think before you speak. Worshipping its snugness may sound sexy in your head, but I very much doubt my vagina will be flattered. I don’t spread your legs and commend how wrinkly and pubescent your scrotum is. Take a few deep breaths first, calm yourselves. Know your boundaries. Tell me you want to be inside me, tell me how hard you are for me. Hell, even tell me you want my cum dripping off your face. Just don’t start glorifying my asshole.