To Anyone Who's Interested...

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Don't Call It a COME back.

I really must begin with an apology. I was both shocked and slightly ashamed to realise that I hadn’t posted anything on here since early February! For this, all I can give you is a limited number of excuses. One being that I currently have absolutely no money! The main side effect of this, in addition to the fact that I can no longer afford to pay my rent, is that I can very rarely afford to buy tobacco. I do a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw, you see, in which I like to sit in front of my laptop, typing with one hand and chain-smoking with the other. The primary reason for my disgraceful lack of blog posting, however, is that I broke up with my boyfriend in March. Towards the end of our fast-declining relationship, I could count the amount of monthly sex sessions on one hand, give or take a few fingers. Excuse the pun. Simply put, I had no writing fuel.

Never fear, however, as I now have a fantastic new man in my life and, thank the lord! He is willing to have sex with me. My vibrator has returned to its old home (aka inside a slipper.) On with the show…

Incited by a recent Cosmo article, today we shall be discussing the at times somewhat taboo subject of the female orgasm. While some women may cut their losses when they fail to achieve this and assume its likeliness of occurring is on par with that of a dodo emerging from their vagina, I must strongly insist that this is truly not the case. Alas! There is hope on the (extinct bird-scattered) horizon. First and foremost, let us not assume that this is going to be an easy journey. Unfortunately, we are not men. We cannot simply beat the thing a couple of times and then sluggishly ejaculate into the nearest available dish towel. According to statistics, almost 75% of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone. I myself am included in this 75%, give or take the occasional miraculous triumph on the battlefield. However, 10 to 15% of women never climax under any circumstances, and it is to them that I am dedicating this post.

The main concern, or so it seems, for women who have never achieved orgasm, is that there is something wrong with them. Internet pornography could be suggested to be largely to blame for this common misconception, given that the women featured are in an almost constant state of sexual ecstasy and squirting everywhere. Ladies, there is absolutely nothing, and I repeat ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, wrong with you if you have never had an orgasm! If you are as of yet unconvinced, however, here are a few suggestions to help you along:

1) Wank: And if at first you don’t succeed, wank harder. Use your fingers, use a vibrator, use a marrow if you can get it up there! I know I say this all the time, but it really is the best and only way to get to know yourself and what gets you off. How can you instruct your partner on how to make you orgasm if you don’t know yourself? Take one evening off when nobody is home, light some candles, make some tea, even crank up some Lionel Richie if you must (we won’t judge!), and just really fucking go for it. If this still hasn’t convinced you to masturbate, here is an entire post that I wrote on the subject: http://between-your-legs.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/why-dont-you-go-fuck-yourself.html

2) Communicate: Once you have an idea of what you like, you then must transfer this information onto someone else. Think of it like imparting a beautiful gift of knowledge. Even if you only have an inkling of what you may enjoy, let them know. Give them the reigns, but guide them as they go. If they lose their way, bring them back again. If it feels amazing, tell them. If it’s the worst thing you’ve ever experienced in your entire life, tell them… but sympathetically.

3) Relax: Easier said than done though, right? When I get with someone new, despite the fact that I know exactly how I like it and have done for years, I find it incredibly difficult to orgasm for the first few times with them. This is where no.2 comes back into play. I tell them this. I inform them that it’s nothing that they’re doing wrong, it just takes me a while to relax into it the first few times. Try to focus your thoughts on what they are doing. If you can’t do this, focus your thoughts on things that you would normally think about whilst you get yourself off. If you wank to porn, for a cheeky bit of visual stimulation, focus on a particularly dirty scene that you enjoyed. Even if this includes 4 plumbers in dungaree shorts and an excessive amount of plungers.

4) Try it whilst having sex: I always find this to be the easiest way to orgasm. Get on top, ride like you’re straddling a bunking bronco, and play with your clit at the same time. Close your eyes, focus on those dirty thoughts, and just let go. Be selfish for once. After all, if he’s pounding you from behind, who do you think he’s focusing on?!

5) Have no fear: Be open to experimentation. It’s always going to be trial and error until you find what really works for you, but you’ll never know unless you try!

So push the tsunami-like ejaculations you’ve seen in porn aside, because let’s be real for a second, no human female has ever come after 5 minutes of mundane fingering on a kitchen counter. Shut your eyes and just lose yourself in the moment because, when it comes to orgasming, concentration really is key. You CAN do it, and when you do, fucking shout it from the rooftops! Tell your friends, tell your neighbours, hell, even comment below and tell me! Just don’t call it a comeback...

Additionally, if anyone has any advice for me, in order to remove myself from the 75% who never reach orgasm through intercourse alone, leave me a comment below! I am always happy to give anything a go!

Don't Be A Pussy When Eating Pussy

By now, I really should have learnt my lesson that nothing good can ever come from Googling my chosen blog topic. This week, I have a prime example: http://beefpattie.com/why-i-dont-eat-pussy/

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to ‘Moo Cow’ and his laughable, egocentric and utterly misogynistic blog post which ultimately functions to highlight his fear of women. I’m not an angry person, but the manner in which this shame of a human being divulges his self-indulgent opinions makes me want to throw him off the edge of the Burj Khalifa. Twice. Naturally, I had to respond:

Firstly, in terms of the cleanliness of oral sex, you men can argue for as long as you like that the vagina isn’t the most delicious delicacy to have ever been sampled by your palate, but what were you expecting, really, from your private dinner for one? The Pussy is not a Michelin Star restaurant. You piss out of the end of your cock too, in case you’ve forgotten. How many times do you think we women have tasted that?! Suck it up, men. Literally. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Moreover, I’m sure some men could choose to argue that the vagina isn’t exactly beautiful to look at, and I accept this as a fair point. Granted, it is no Mona Lisa. But have you seen your penis lately? Christ, have you seen your scrotum?! And we women have to be inches away from that thing in order to pleasure you. Talk about making sacrifices for the people you love…

Secondly, remember what your parents taught you when you were buying Christmas presents for your friends? ‘You don’t give to receive.’ This is most certainly not the case with oral sex. As my boyfriend often states when he wants some of my Nando’s, ‘sharing’s caring’. To me, completely disregarding my vagina but still expecting oral sex for yourself is an example of inequality tantamount to that of disproportionate wages and the workplace ‘glass ceiling’. Surely, allowing a man to receive, but not to give, is simply the first step is complying with a long list of other refusals. First it’s head, then it’s the dishes, and before you know it he has conveniently ‘forgotten’ to pick you up after work, leaving you to do the hour and a half walk home, wearing 5 inch heels, in a blistering snowstorm, because ‘the exercise would have done you some good, chubby.’

Thirdly, in response to ‘Moo Cow’ and his argument that nobody watches the lick out scenes in porn, I fucking do! Put your hands up if you do too! It’s the first thing I fast forward to. You know what I don’t watch, however? The part where the guy gets a blowjob and then wanks off onto the woman’s tits. That’s just dull, unexciting, and insultingly unoriginal.

In addition, yes, STI’s may be more likely to lie dormant inside the female, but does this signify that women, in general, are more likely to actually have an STI? No, it does not. In 2011, in England, there were 291 reported and recorded cases of women with syphilis. How many male cases, I hear you ask? Oh, only 2,349. Similarly, there were 14,992 recorded male cases of gonorrhoea, in comparison to the 5,192 female ones. Boom.

Finally, in response to ‘Black men don’t eat pussy’, just shut up. In 2010, it was estimated that there were almost 39 million Black Americans in the USA alone. Are you honestly trying to insist that not even one of the 39 million has ever been tempted to put his face between a woman’s legs? I don’t seem that gullible, do I?

Now, I have been very naïve in the past, I admit it. But it just simply never occurred to me that any member of the male species would detest and therefore withhold oral sex. That is, until I met James. He didn’t like it and thus point blank refused.  Not even a quick sniff in that region or a cheeky probe of the tongue. And did I justify his refusal with pathetic arguments like ‘Well… the vagina isn’t actually that clean’ or ‘Black men don’t eat pussy’ à la the idiot in the aforementioned blog post? No, I did not. I simply concluded that he was a huge wanker and forgot about his existence. (He also wasn’t black, so that argument would have been completely void...)

It has to be noted, however, that there is a slight ray of hope on the horizon. The idiotic author of the blog post does state in his conclusion that he is willing to change his (awful) practices for his future wife. However, I fear his chances of finding a woman willing to marry him in the first place are rather slim. I certainly wouldn’t wish to spend an extended period of time in the company of a man who was repulsed by the concept of oral sex, never mind accept him as my husband. Good luck though, ‘Moo Cow’. I hope you and your blow-up doll wife are very happy together.

So ladies, if you ever come across a man who isn’t hungry for what’s on offer, leave him to eat alone. I believe the Chinese round the corner from me does a particularly hearty Meal For One.