Don't Be A Pussy When Eating Pussy

By now, I really should have learnt my lesson that nothing good can ever come from Googling my chosen blog topic. This week, I have a prime example: http://beefpattie.com/why-i-dont-eat-pussy/

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to ‘Moo Cow’ and his laughable, egocentric and utterly misogynistic blog post which ultimately functions to highlight his fear of women. I’m not an angry person, but the manner in which this shame of a human being divulges his self-indulgent opinions makes me want to throw him off the edge of the Burj Khalifa. Twice. Naturally, I had to respond:

Firstly, in terms of the cleanliness of oral sex, you men can argue for as long as you like that the vagina isn’t the most delicious delicacy to have ever been sampled by your palate, but what were you expecting, really, from your private dinner for one? The Pussy is not a Michelin Star restaurant. You piss out of the end of your cock too, in case you’ve forgotten. How many times do you think we women have tasted that?! Suck it up, men. Literally. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Moreover, I’m sure some men could choose to argue that the vagina isn’t exactly beautiful to look at, and I accept this as a fair point. Granted, it is no Mona Lisa. But have you seen your penis lately? Christ, have you seen your scrotum?! And we women have to be inches away from that thing in order to pleasure you. Talk about making sacrifices for the people you love…

Secondly, remember what your parents taught you when you were buying Christmas presents for your friends? ‘You don’t give to receive.’ This is most certainly not the case with oral sex. As my boyfriend often states when he wants some of my Nando’s, ‘sharing’s caring’. To me, completely disregarding my vagina but still expecting oral sex for yourself is an example of inequality tantamount to that of disproportionate wages and the workplace ‘glass ceiling’. Surely, allowing a man to receive, but not to give, is simply the first step is complying with a long list of other refusals. First it’s head, then it’s the dishes, and before you know it he has conveniently ‘forgotten’ to pick you up after work, leaving you to do the hour and a half walk home, wearing 5 inch heels, in a blistering snowstorm, because ‘the exercise would have done you some good, chubby.’

Thirdly, in response to ‘Moo Cow’ and his argument that nobody watches the lick out scenes in porn, I fucking do! Put your hands up if you do too! It’s the first thing I fast forward to. You know what I don’t watch, however? The part where the guy gets a blowjob and then wanks off onto the woman’s tits. That’s just dull, unexciting, and insultingly unoriginal.

In addition, yes, STI’s may be more likely to lie dormant inside the female, but does this signify that women, in general, are more likely to actually have an STI? No, it does not. In 2011, in England, there were 291 reported and recorded cases of women with syphilis. How many male cases, I hear you ask? Oh, only 2,349. Similarly, there were 14,992 recorded male cases of gonorrhoea, in comparison to the 5,192 female ones. Boom.

Finally, in response to ‘Black men don’t eat pussy’, just shut up. In 2010, it was estimated that there were almost 39 million Black Americans in the USA alone. Are you honestly trying to insist that not even one of the 39 million has ever been tempted to put his face between a woman’s legs? I don’t seem that gullible, do I?

Now, I have been very naïve in the past, I admit it. But it just simply never occurred to me that any member of the male species would detest and therefore withhold oral sex. That is, until I met James. He didn’t like it and thus point blank refused.  Not even a quick sniff in that region or a cheeky probe of the tongue. And did I justify his refusal with pathetic arguments like ‘Well… the vagina isn’t actually that clean’ or ‘Black men don’t eat pussy’ à la the idiot in the aforementioned blog post? No, I did not. I simply concluded that he was a huge wanker and forgot about his existence. (He also wasn’t black, so that argument would have been completely void...)

It has to be noted, however, that there is a slight ray of hope on the horizon. The idiotic author of the blog post does state in his conclusion that he is willing to change his (awful) practices for his future wife. However, I fear his chances of finding a woman willing to marry him in the first place are rather slim. I certainly wouldn’t wish to spend an extended period of time in the company of a man who was repulsed by the concept of oral sex, never mind accept him as my husband. Good luck though, ‘Moo Cow’. I hope you and your blow-up doll wife are very happy together.

So ladies, if you ever come across a man who isn’t hungry for what’s on offer, leave him to eat alone. I believe the Chinese round the corner from me does a particularly hearty Meal For One.

Orgasmic or Obscene (2)

How To Squirt In His Face

** To anyone who knows me personally, you may wish to stop reading now. This may be a little too much information for you...

I think it must be rather obvious by now that I rely on Google quite heavily to get me through my days here on Planet Earth. However, I was dumbfounded recently when I made the shocking discovery that it is not, in fact, as wholly reliable as it had previously led me to believe. As it turns out, typing 'Female ejaculation' into the Google search bar provides an abundance of similar results, none of which seem particularly truthful or useful. Or maybe it's just me...

The majority of websites that I have researched give exactly the same advice: Put your fingers a few inches inside her vagina and stimulate the spongy area which can be located towards the front of the pelvis. Do this ceaselessly. Do not react negatively when she ejaculates. Oh, and p.s, don't worry, it's not urine. Probably.

If what you desire is a raw and swollen g-spot, do feel free to follow the above method. For those of you who don't, however, here is how to ejaculate, Paris Talor style:

First, have sex. A penis relentlessly rubbing against your g-spot is much better than two flailing fingers, trust me. Here are a few good g-spot stimulating positions:

 
1) G-Wizz: If this is done well, you shall be screaming.



2)  Downward Dog: Lying down doggy is, for some reason, significantly better than regular doggy. Possibly because you feel a little less like man's best friend.
 
3) The Mistress: Do this, do this, do this, do this. It is, without a doubt, one of the best positions ever invented. You will come, and come, and come, and then come some more.   

Ignore the first two; go with position 3. Do this until you are thoroughly orgasmed out. Next, sit astride his face, like so:

   

He can use his tongue slightly, if you like, but what is most important of all is that you use your fingers. I've said it before and I'll say it again, no one can fuck you quite like you can. He can also put his fingers inside you now, but only if he promises that there will be no aimless prodding.

Continue like this. When you feel yourself on the verge of orgasm, you may need to push slightly. Try your best not to fart, this may kill the mood. And one last word of advice, to contradict that of the numerous aforementioned web pages: It does not feel like you are going to pee. There is a noticeable difference between the sensation before you squirt, and that before you pee. So don't worry, just let it go. My boyfriend thinks it's the sexiest thing he's ever seen. 

So there you have it. It does take a surprising amount of effort to achieve, but if you have the time (and some clean sheets), go for it. What have you got to lose, really? Think about it, how many times has he came on your bed/on your face/on your tits/in your hair? Ladies, it's high time you got your own back.

** I would like to add that this is what worked for me, therefore I felt I must share it with the women of the world. If this works for you too, please report back to me, it will make me happy! Additionally, if you have any other methods that work for you, or anything that you've read about that you would like me to attempt (!), please do comment and let me know =) 

Paris x
   

A Little Less Conversation...

Occasionally I fantasize about binding my boyfriend to the bed, moving slowly upwards towards his face, gagging him… to make him shut the fuck up. Dirty chat itself poses no problem to me whatsoever, when it is done well. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. “I’m gonna put my big fat baby maker inside your hole!”, “I’m gonna fill your ass with my cum, baby. This is how a real man fucks!” or “Daddy’s gonna fill you up, fuck your tight little cunt! He’s gonna make you scream with his big dick!” are just a couple of ways to guarantee you will be getting no sex that night, or possibly ever again. In your life. The latter in particular, given the use of the word ‘Daddy’, in combination with the switch to the third-person narrative.

Regrettably, it is not only in the bedroom where men fail to think before they speak. When a friend of mine got into an argument with her ex-boyfriend, he shouted that one of the main reasons that he was no longer happy in their relationship was because she had never taken his career seriously. He was working full time at Nando’s. (In the lowest possible position, might I add.)

The same friend also once had a drunken argument with a different ex. Afterwards, he headed back to their flat while she chose to stay out. She eventually returned home to find him in an incredibly upset state and, when she questioned what the hell was the matter, he informed her that he’d been so grieved by their argument that he had tried to kill himself… by holding a pillow over his own face for two hours. 

But let’s get back to sex, and ask ourselves, why is it that men assume that spewing an abundance of nonsensical profanities turns us on? What makes it worse is when, sometimes, for added measure, they even attempt to throw a compliment into the mix. ‘Suck me, beautiful’ and ‘Baby, you’re sooo tight’ were two particular favourites of mine.

I must confess however that, when it comes to talking dirty, I too am truly atrocious at it. I get overwhelmed by lexical choice and I develop a stutter to rival that of Gareth Gates (circa 2002). In the end, I admit defeat, and simply smile politely and nod in agreement with whatever lengthy monologue my boyfriend is professing. ‘I’m gonna stick my big hard dick in your dripping cunt’… ‘Ah... yes… me too.’

I think, therefore, that the true problem with dirty chat lies in the linguistics of it. Perhaps, like me, there are many other people who would love to serenade their partner with a mouthful of filth, but get too caught up in the vast amount of word choice. What, for example, do I call my vagina? ‘Cunt’ is too vulgar, ‘pussy’ is unoriginal and ‘vulva’ is just downright horrendous. Men, as always, have it easy. ‘Dick’. How nice and simple and inoffensive.

Maybe, then, the solution to our unintelligible stammering is a good old dirty text message. What’s better, really, than eating your sandwiches on your work break and receiving a message telling you just how hard you’re going to get fucked that evening by your boyfriend’s humongous cock? Plus, this comes with the added bonus of giving you an extended period of time in which to reply. And if you’re really stuck for a response, just Google ‘dirty chat examples’, select one at random and hit send. He’ll like it, trust me.

So men, today’s advice to you? For my sake, please, think before you speak. Worshipping its snugness may sound sexy in your head, but I very much doubt my vagina will be flattered. I don’t spread your legs and commend how wrinkly and pubescent your scrotum is. Take a few deep breaths first, calm yourselves. Know your boundaries. Tell me you want to be inside me, tell me how hard you are for me. Hell, even tell me you want my cum dripping off your face. Just don’t start glorifying my asshole. 

Orgasmic or Obscene (1)

Using Food In Bed

In between my busy schedule (of serving people chicken, making fruitless attempts to motivate myself to go to the gym and generally drinking far too much) I was failing to find the time to write mega blog posts. But I didn’t want to seem like one of those useless bloggers who don’t post anything for months at a time. Soooo… My solution is this. I am going to start a new feature: ‘Orgasmic or Obscene’, in which I will discuss the typical things that magazines reckon are great for spicing up your sex life. I plan to try these out, and then report back to you, my dear readers, so that you can try them yourselves (or not, as the case may be).

Anchor Squirty Cream: Definitely do not attempt the 'Extra Thick' one...

Recently, my boyfriend and I got incredibly drunk and decided it would be a fantastic idea to purchase some Anchor Squirty Cream from all-night Scotmid on our walk home. On reaching our final destination, we threw off our clothes in an inebriated fit of mad passion and proceeded to wap out the squirty cream. 

However, I imagine that normal people would squirt a line or 2 onto their partner, maybe around the nipples or just above the pubic region, and then lick it off in a suggestive manner. Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I are not normal people. We decided what would be even sexier would be to completely smother ourselves in it. It was ALL OVER ME. In my eyes, in my hair, up my nose, in my ears… You name an orifice, and there was bound to be cream in there. Evidently, attempting to lap all of this up would have been far from suggestive. Instead, we just had some rather sticky sex in what had now become a wet, creamy puddle. Yum.

We woke up in the morning, with appalling hangovers, only to discover we were both completely cemented to each other, and to the bed. To make matters worse, the cream had obviously reacted overnight with the hot bedroom air, and now smelt like a combination of out-of-date milk, and vomit. And the last thing you want whilst enduring a horrendous hangover is for your hair, face, clothes, bed, bedroom and boyfriend to all reek of puke. Needless to say, I had to immediately launch myself into the shower and throw all of my underwear and bed sheets into the wash. And then scrub down my boyfriend.

However, it wasn’t a completely negative experience, as I do remember us both laughing hysterically whilst sporting squirty cream beards and moustaches. And it got him naked and into the shower in the morning. In fact, it is possible to see why this could potentially be a turn on; my boyfriend and I are obviously just not serious enough for this variety of sexual endeavour. I recommend, therefore, that if you are going to attempt this yourself, it would be preferable to use something less sticky that neither congeals nor decomposes at room temperature. (This means definitely no chocolate sauce, or seafood.) And possibly utilise it in much more sparing quantities than we did…

Overall verdict? Affordable, if you're willing to spare £1.29. But has an unfortunate tendency to venture into unwanted places. And definitely needs to be washed off afterwards.