By now, I
really should have learnt my lesson that nothing good can ever come from
Googling my chosen blog topic. This week, I have a prime example: http://beefpattie.com/why-i-dont-eat-pussy/
Ladies and
gentlemen, let me introduce you to ‘Moo Cow’ and his laughable, egocentric and
utterly misogynistic blog post which ultimately functions to highlight his fear
of women. I’m not an angry person, but the manner in which this shame of a
human being divulges his self-indulgent opinions makes me want to throw him off
the edge of the Burj Khalifa. Twice. Naturally, I had to respond:
Firstly, in
terms of the cleanliness of oral sex, you men can argue for as long as you like
that the vagina isn’t the most delicious delicacy to have ever been sampled by
your palate, but what were you expecting, really, from your private dinner for one? The Pussy is not
a Michelin Star restaurant. You piss out of the end of your cock too, in case
you’ve forgotten. How many times do you think we women have tasted that?! Suck
it up, men. Literally. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Moreover,
I’m sure some men could choose to argue that the vagina isn’t exactly beautiful
to look at, and I accept this as a fair point. Granted, it is no Mona Lisa. But
have you seen your penis lately? Christ, have you seen your scrotum?! And we
women have to be inches away from that thing in order to pleasure you. Talk
about making sacrifices for the people you love…
Secondly,
remember what your parents taught you when you were buying Christmas presents
for your friends? ‘You don’t give to receive.’ This is most certainly not the case with oral sex. As my
boyfriend often states when he wants some of my Nando’s, ‘sharing’s caring’. To
me, completely disregarding my vagina but still expecting oral sex for yourself
is an example of inequality tantamount to that of disproportionate wages and
the workplace ‘glass ceiling’. Surely, allowing a man to receive, but not to
give, is simply the first step is complying with a long list of other refusals.
First it’s head, then it’s the dishes, and before you know it he has
conveniently ‘forgotten’ to pick you up after work, leaving you to do the hour
and a half walk home, wearing 5 inch heels, in a blistering snowstorm, because
‘the exercise would have done you some good, chubby.’
Thirdly, in
response to ‘Moo Cow’ and his argument that nobody watches the lick out scenes
in porn, I fucking do! Put your hands up if you do too! It’s the first thing I fast
forward to. You know what I don’t watch, however? The part where the guy gets a
blowjob and then wanks off onto the woman’s tits. That’s just dull, unexciting,
and insultingly unoriginal.
In
addition, yes, STI’s may be more likely to lie dormant inside the female, but
does this signify that women, in general, are more likely to actually have an
STI? No, it does not. In 2011, in England, there were 291 reported and recorded
cases of women with syphilis. How many male cases, I hear you ask? Oh, only 2,349.
Similarly, there were 14,992 recorded male cases of gonorrhoea, in comparison
to the 5,192 female ones. Boom.
Finally, in
response to ‘Black men don’t eat pussy’, just shut up. In 2010, it was
estimated that there were almost 39 million Black Americans in the USA alone.
Are you honestly trying to insist that not even one of the 39 million has ever
been tempted to put his face between a woman’s legs? I don’t seem that
gullible, do I?
Now, I have
been very naïve in the past, I admit it. But it just simply never occurred to
me that any member of the male species would detest and therefore withhold oral
sex. That is, until I met James. He didn’t
like it and thus point blank refused.
Not even a quick sniff in that region or a cheeky probe of the tongue.
And did I justify his refusal with pathetic arguments like ‘Well… the vagina
isn’t actually that clean’ or ‘Black
men don’t eat pussy’ à la the idiot in the aforementioned blog post? No, I did
not. I simply concluded that he was a huge wanker and forgot about his
existence. (He also wasn’t black, so that argument would have been completely
void...)
It has to
be noted, however, that there is a slight ray of hope on the horizon. The
idiotic author of the blog post does state in his conclusion that he is willing
to change his (awful) practices for his future wife. However, I fear his
chances of finding a woman willing to marry him in the first place are rather
slim. I certainly wouldn’t wish to spend an extended period of time in the
company of a man who was repulsed by the concept of oral sex, never mind accept
him as my husband. Good luck though, ‘Moo Cow’. I hope you and your blow-up
doll wife are very happy together.
So ladies,
if you ever come across a man who isn’t hungry for what’s on offer, leave him to
eat alone. I believe the Chinese round the corner from me does a particularly
hearty Meal For One.
