To Anyone Who's Interested...

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Don't Call It a COME back.

I really must begin with an apology. I was both shocked and slightly ashamed to realise that I hadn’t posted anything on here since early February! For this, all I can give you is a limited number of excuses. One being that I currently have absolutely no money! The main side effect of this, in addition to the fact that I can no longer afford to pay my rent, is that I can very rarely afford to buy tobacco. I do a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw, you see, in which I like to sit in front of my laptop, typing with one hand and chain-smoking with the other. The primary reason for my disgraceful lack of blog posting, however, is that I broke up with my boyfriend in March. Towards the end of our fast-declining relationship, I could count the amount of monthly sex sessions on one hand, give or take a few fingers. Excuse the pun. Simply put, I had no writing fuel.

Never fear, however, as I now have a fantastic new man in my life and, thank the lord! He is willing to have sex with me. My vibrator has returned to its old home (aka inside a slipper.) On with the show…

Incited by a recent Cosmo article, today we shall be discussing the at times somewhat taboo subject of the female orgasm. While some women may cut their losses when they fail to achieve this and assume its likeliness of occurring is on par with that of a dodo emerging from their vagina, I must strongly insist that this is truly not the case. Alas! There is hope on the (extinct bird-scattered) horizon. First and foremost, let us not assume that this is going to be an easy journey. Unfortunately, we are not men. We cannot simply beat the thing a couple of times and then sluggishly ejaculate into the nearest available dish towel. According to statistics, almost 75% of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone. I myself am included in this 75%, give or take the occasional miraculous triumph on the battlefield. However, 10 to 15% of women never climax under any circumstances, and it is to them that I am dedicating this post.

The main concern, or so it seems, for women who have never achieved orgasm, is that there is something wrong with them. Internet pornography could be suggested to be largely to blame for this common misconception, given that the women featured are in an almost constant state of sexual ecstasy and squirting everywhere. Ladies, there is absolutely nothing, and I repeat ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, wrong with you if you have never had an orgasm! If you are as of yet unconvinced, however, here are a few suggestions to help you along:

1) Wank: And if at first you don’t succeed, wank harder. Use your fingers, use a vibrator, use a marrow if you can get it up there! I know I say this all the time, but it really is the best and only way to get to know yourself and what gets you off. How can you instruct your partner on how to make you orgasm if you don’t know yourself? Take one evening off when nobody is home, light some candles, make some tea, even crank up some Lionel Richie if you must (we won’t judge!), and just really fucking go for it. If this still hasn’t convinced you to masturbate, here is an entire post that I wrote on the subject: http://between-your-legs.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/why-dont-you-go-fuck-yourself.html

2) Communicate: Once you have an idea of what you like, you then must transfer this information onto someone else. Think of it like imparting a beautiful gift of knowledge. Even if you only have an inkling of what you may enjoy, let them know. Give them the reigns, but guide them as they go. If they lose their way, bring them back again. If it feels amazing, tell them. If it’s the worst thing you’ve ever experienced in your entire life, tell them… but sympathetically.

3) Relax: Easier said than done though, right? When I get with someone new, despite the fact that I know exactly how I like it and have done for years, I find it incredibly difficult to orgasm for the first few times with them. This is where no.2 comes back into play. I tell them this. I inform them that it’s nothing that they’re doing wrong, it just takes me a while to relax into it the first few times. Try to focus your thoughts on what they are doing. If you can’t do this, focus your thoughts on things that you would normally think about whilst you get yourself off. If you wank to porn, for a cheeky bit of visual stimulation, focus on a particularly dirty scene that you enjoyed. Even if this includes 4 plumbers in dungaree shorts and an excessive amount of plungers.

4) Try it whilst having sex: I always find this to be the easiest way to orgasm. Get on top, ride like you’re straddling a bunking bronco, and play with your clit at the same time. Close your eyes, focus on those dirty thoughts, and just let go. Be selfish for once. After all, if he’s pounding you from behind, who do you think he’s focusing on?!

5) Have no fear: Be open to experimentation. It’s always going to be trial and error until you find what really works for you, but you’ll never know unless you try!

So push the tsunami-like ejaculations you’ve seen in porn aside, because let’s be real for a second, no human female has ever come after 5 minutes of mundane fingering on a kitchen counter. Shut your eyes and just lose yourself in the moment because, when it comes to orgasming, concentration really is key. You CAN do it, and when you do, fucking shout it from the rooftops! Tell your friends, tell your neighbours, hell, even comment below and tell me! Just don’t call it a comeback...

Additionally, if anyone has any advice for me, in order to remove myself from the 75% who never reach orgasm through intercourse alone, leave me a comment below! I am always happy to give anything a go!

Don't Be A Pussy When Eating Pussy

By now, I really should have learnt my lesson that nothing good can ever come from Googling my chosen blog topic. This week, I have a prime example: http://beefpattie.com/why-i-dont-eat-pussy/

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to ‘Moo Cow’ and his laughable, egocentric and utterly misogynistic blog post which ultimately functions to highlight his fear of women. I’m not an angry person, but the manner in which this shame of a human being divulges his self-indulgent opinions makes me want to throw him off the edge of the Burj Khalifa. Twice. Naturally, I had to respond:

Firstly, in terms of the cleanliness of oral sex, you men can argue for as long as you like that the vagina isn’t the most delicious delicacy to have ever been sampled by your palate, but what were you expecting, really, from your private dinner for one? The Pussy is not a Michelin Star restaurant. You piss out of the end of your cock too, in case you’ve forgotten. How many times do you think we women have tasted that?! Suck it up, men. Literally. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Moreover, I’m sure some men could choose to argue that the vagina isn’t exactly beautiful to look at, and I accept this as a fair point. Granted, it is no Mona Lisa. But have you seen your penis lately? Christ, have you seen your scrotum?! And we women have to be inches away from that thing in order to pleasure you. Talk about making sacrifices for the people you love…

Secondly, remember what your parents taught you when you were buying Christmas presents for your friends? ‘You don’t give to receive.’ This is most certainly not the case with oral sex. As my boyfriend often states when he wants some of my Nando’s, ‘sharing’s caring’. To me, completely disregarding my vagina but still expecting oral sex for yourself is an example of inequality tantamount to that of disproportionate wages and the workplace ‘glass ceiling’. Surely, allowing a man to receive, but not to give, is simply the first step is complying with a long list of other refusals. First it’s head, then it’s the dishes, and before you know it he has conveniently ‘forgotten’ to pick you up after work, leaving you to do the hour and a half walk home, wearing 5 inch heels, in a blistering snowstorm, because ‘the exercise would have done you some good, chubby.’

Thirdly, in response to ‘Moo Cow’ and his argument that nobody watches the lick out scenes in porn, I fucking do! Put your hands up if you do too! It’s the first thing I fast forward to. You know what I don’t watch, however? The part where the guy gets a blowjob and then wanks off onto the woman’s tits. That’s just dull, unexciting, and insultingly unoriginal.

In addition, yes, STI’s may be more likely to lie dormant inside the female, but does this signify that women, in general, are more likely to actually have an STI? No, it does not. In 2011, in England, there were 291 reported and recorded cases of women with syphilis. How many male cases, I hear you ask? Oh, only 2,349. Similarly, there were 14,992 recorded male cases of gonorrhoea, in comparison to the 5,192 female ones. Boom.

Finally, in response to ‘Black men don’t eat pussy’, just shut up. In 2010, it was estimated that there were almost 39 million Black Americans in the USA alone. Are you honestly trying to insist that not even one of the 39 million has ever been tempted to put his face between a woman’s legs? I don’t seem that gullible, do I?

Now, I have been very naïve in the past, I admit it. But it just simply never occurred to me that any member of the male species would detest and therefore withhold oral sex. That is, until I met James. He didn’t like it and thus point blank refused.  Not even a quick sniff in that region or a cheeky probe of the tongue. And did I justify his refusal with pathetic arguments like ‘Well… the vagina isn’t actually that clean’ or ‘Black men don’t eat pussy’ à la the idiot in the aforementioned blog post? No, I did not. I simply concluded that he was a huge wanker and forgot about his existence. (He also wasn’t black, so that argument would have been completely void...)

It has to be noted, however, that there is a slight ray of hope on the horizon. The idiotic author of the blog post does state in his conclusion that he is willing to change his (awful) practices for his future wife. However, I fear his chances of finding a woman willing to marry him in the first place are rather slim. I certainly wouldn’t wish to spend an extended period of time in the company of a man who was repulsed by the concept of oral sex, never mind accept him as my husband. Good luck though, ‘Moo Cow’. I hope you and your blow-up doll wife are very happy together.

So ladies, if you ever come across a man who isn’t hungry for what’s on offer, leave him to eat alone. I believe the Chinese round the corner from me does a particularly hearty Meal For One.

All I Want For Christmas Is... A Good Hard Fuck.

So in amongst his not-so-busy schedule of Christmas shopping, getting stoned, and working 37.5 hours a week, my boyfriend has completely failed on the sex front this Xmas season. Thus, I have become Scrouge. I ask you, how am I supposed to blog about sex when I myself am not getting any?! 

 Thankfully, I can still haul my sense of humour back out (it was nesting somewhere beside my bowels), and therefore bring to you the joyous combination of Christmas, sex, and the advertising industry, as well as the not quite so successful amalgamation of Christmas and sex toys.

 I must add that I was also going to include some Christmas sex positions (‘Jingle My Balls’ etc) but, to be completely honest with you, I just can’t face it right now. Excuse me, I’m off to cry into a turkey…

Here are some amusing Christmas adverts:

1) Durex Condoms

 'This Christmas, don't get anything you didn't wish for.'
So much for jolly Christmas spirit...

2) RFSU

Trust Sweden to sell sex toys in their local pharmacies. If this guy came (no pun intended) 

down my chimney, I think I'd be running for the hills. I wonder how many times the

artist vomited whilst drawing this picture.

3) Harvey Nichols  

I love this because it reminds me so much of me, Christmas 2010. 

(For more details, read my post entitled 'The Good, The Bad And The Slutty')

And some awful Christmas sex toys:

1) 'I Rub My Duckie'

So it's a Christmas bauble... with a duck inside... which vibrates?

Well that makes perfect sense...

2) Candy Cane G-String

I actually feel incredibly sorry for this guy.
I wonder how many times a week he went to the gym, only to model this monstrosity.

3) Santa Vibe

'Mrs. Claus is Cuming Tonight!' is she?

Shame no one fucking else is...

4) Ehhhh...?!

This looks offensive enough anyway, never mind the fact
that they've tried to make it look like a candy cane.

Imagine finding this in your Christmas stocking... Just imagine.

So there we have it, some prime examples of cracking Christmas commercialisation. Which one of the above would terrify you the most if you unwrapped it on Christmas day? Hopefully this blog post has cheered up those who, just like me, will be getting absolutely no sex whatsoever on Christmas day. I might just chuck on a santa hat and a pair of suspenders and pounce... Merry fucking Christmas everybody! Bah humbug. 

Paris x

The Ten Commandments (for the man seeking sexual salvation)

We are all well aware of the many bedroom errors that Man is guilty of committing in the sack, and I frequently like to use these to my advantage and post them all over the internet, for comic value. Thus, I thought it was about time I composed the ultimate list of sexual sins. Ladies, beware. Men, read religiously.

    10) Thou Shalt Not Expect Miracles

Don’t ask me if I’ve come after only 5 minutes of mediocre humping. I’m barely even wet. If you want to satisfy your woman, you must be willing to put the work in. After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

9)  Thou Shalt Not Procrastinate

When you’re having sex, your focus should be purely on this, and only this. Don’t text your dealer, don’t check the time, don’t spark up a fag and especially don’t reach for a snack. (Particularly not Tangy Cheese Doritos or anything that contains onion or garlic.) You’ve spent the entire day indoors, alone, playing Xbox. This is the most exciting part of your day and I’m on the verge of an orgasm. Don’t fucking stop for a breather.

    8)  Thou Shalt Not Practice Human Planking

I get it, it’s tiring. But if you have such a lack of upper body strength that your arms fail you mid thrust, try a different position. There is nothing hot and sexy about reaching orgasm only to realise a little too late that you have suffocated your partner to death. To avoid this happening, try sit-ups, push-ups, pull-ups, anything to build those biceps!

7)  Thou Shalt Not Name One’s Penis

Especially if it has a human name. ‘Rodger wants to play, baby’. Neither should you term it using the third person masculine pronoun, otherwise ‘he’ will not be going in my mouth, ever again. Come on guys, it’s your penis. It may be banterous when you’re with friends, but when we’re having sex, who the fuck invited Rodger? Additionally, your love gun will never hit my target with its bullets, nor will your anaconda be entering any jungles.

6)  Thou Shalt Not Rate

‘I’d say that reached at least an 8 on the Richter scale!’ might be acceptable if you’ve actually satisfied your woman, but if you caught her yawning mid-thrust, it might be a better idea to keep your mouth shut and quietly ponder potential improvements. Furthermore, regardless of how mundane the sex might have been, never let the words ‘alright’, ‘ok’ or ‘fairly satisfactory’ pass your lips, unless you’re happy to live the rest of your life minus your testicles.

5)  Thou Shalt Not Forget To Mention One’s Erectile Dysfunction

And then act as though it’s a completely normal occurrence when it happens! Fair enough if you’ve popped a shitload of pills beforehand, or are aged over 50, but if you’re completely sober (and still in your youth) then there is no excuse for going floppy. If this does tend to happen to you, do warn the girl first, so she at least has the choice not to go through with it. Or the opportunity to pass a pharmacy on the way to your house and buy substantial quantities of Viagra.

4) Thou Shalt Not Act Like A Porn Star

There is an enormous difference between the world of pornography and the real world, but there appears to be a very thin line between the two for certain members of the male species (many of which I unfortunately seem to have encountered). Being thrown down and absolutely pounded is hot, but don’t do it dressed as a plumber, don’t go straight for the ass without a permission slip and never scream like the world is ending. That’s my job.

          3)  Thou Shalt Not Open The Ex-File

You know the type. You get two seconds of actual penetrative sex before the guilt sets in. Regardless of the fact that they split up with their ex over a year ago, they are still adamant to launch into a 3 hour long analysis of why everything went wrong the second after they’ve pulled out of you. And then are rude enough to ask for your opinion. How can it get any worse than this, I hear you ask? Two words: uncontrollable sobbing.

2)  Thou Shalt Not Injure

A cheeky bit of hair-pulling is sexy; waking up in the morning completely bald is not. A gentle boob squeeze or, hell, even a good old grab is hot but don’t attempt to tear my tits off. How would you feel if I used your testicles as a means of stress relief? In addition, always bear in mind that nipples are tender. Do not treat them like a chew toy.  You can be rough. When done correctly, rough can be a turn on, but no one should come out looking like they’ve had ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

And worst of all:

1) Thou Shalt Not Completely Ignore the Clitoris

 What the fuck do you think you’re going to achieve by stabbing the inside of my vagina in that manner? That moaning noise you can hear is by no means a sign of my pleasure; it is an indicator of both my physical and emotional pain. Have you ever even heard of the clitoris? For those of you who are guilty of this negligence, (or, to put it bluntly, undoubtedly bollocks in bed), it is located between the inner folds of the vulva, near the top. But don’t just rely on Wikipedia, their advice may confuse you: ‘While few animals urinate through the clitoris, the spotted hyena, which has a particularly well-developed clitoris, urinates, mates and gives birth via the organ’. Hunt it down, men. Oh, and while we’re at it, cut your fucking fingernails, Edward Scissorhands.

So there we have it. Cease your prayers, bin your bibles, ditch your church. Sunday shall no longer be the day of rest, but instead the day of hard, penetrative sex. Follow these Ten Commandments and you will be God… in the bedroom, anyway. After all, who doesn’t want to go to sexual heaven? Amen. 

*Disclaimer* Please do not be offended by the content of this blogpost, its intention is simply to be lighthearted and comical.

Orgasmic or Obscene (2)

How To Squirt In His Face

** To anyone who knows me personally, you may wish to stop reading now. This may be a little too much information for you...

I think it must be rather obvious by now that I rely on Google quite heavily to get me through my days here on Planet Earth. However, I was dumbfounded recently when I made the shocking discovery that it is not, in fact, as wholly reliable as it had previously led me to believe. As it turns out, typing 'Female ejaculation' into the Google search bar provides an abundance of similar results, none of which seem particularly truthful or useful. Or maybe it's just me...

The majority of websites that I have researched give exactly the same advice: Put your fingers a few inches inside her vagina and stimulate the spongy area which can be located towards the front of the pelvis. Do this ceaselessly. Do not react negatively when she ejaculates. Oh, and p.s, don't worry, it's not urine. Probably.

If what you desire is a raw and swollen g-spot, do feel free to follow the above method. For those of you who don't, however, here is how to ejaculate, Paris Talor style:

First, have sex. A penis relentlessly rubbing against your g-spot is much better than two flailing fingers, trust me. Here are a few good g-spot stimulating positions:

 
1) G-Wizz: If this is done well, you shall be screaming.



2)  Downward Dog: Lying down doggy is, for some reason, significantly better than regular doggy. Possibly because you feel a little less like man's best friend.
 
3) The Mistress: Do this, do this, do this, do this. It is, without a doubt, one of the best positions ever invented. You will come, and come, and come, and then come some more.   

Ignore the first two; go with position 3. Do this until you are thoroughly orgasmed out. Next, sit astride his face, like so:

   

He can use his tongue slightly, if you like, but what is most important of all is that you use your fingers. I've said it before and I'll say it again, no one can fuck you quite like you can. He can also put his fingers inside you now, but only if he promises that there will be no aimless prodding.

Continue like this. When you feel yourself on the verge of orgasm, you may need to push slightly. Try your best not to fart, this may kill the mood. And one last word of advice, to contradict that of the numerous aforementioned web pages: It does not feel like you are going to pee. There is a noticeable difference between the sensation before you squirt, and that before you pee. So don't worry, just let it go. My boyfriend thinks it's the sexiest thing he's ever seen. 

So there you have it. It does take a surprising amount of effort to achieve, but if you have the time (and some clean sheets), go for it. What have you got to lose, really? Think about it, how many times has he came on your bed/on your face/on your tits/in your hair? Ladies, it's high time you got your own back.

** I would like to add that this is what worked for me, therefore I felt I must share it with the women of the world. If this works for you too, please report back to me, it will make me happy! Additionally, if you have any other methods that work for you, or anything that you've read about that you would like me to attempt (!), please do comment and let me know =) 

Paris x
   

A Little Less Conversation...

Occasionally I fantasize about binding my boyfriend to the bed, moving slowly upwards towards his face, gagging him… to make him shut the fuck up. Dirty chat itself poses no problem to me whatsoever, when it is done well. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. “I’m gonna put my big fat baby maker inside your hole!”, “I’m gonna fill your ass with my cum, baby. This is how a real man fucks!” or “Daddy’s gonna fill you up, fuck your tight little cunt! He’s gonna make you scream with his big dick!” are just a couple of ways to guarantee you will be getting no sex that night, or possibly ever again. In your life. The latter in particular, given the use of the word ‘Daddy’, in combination with the switch to the third-person narrative.

Regrettably, it is not only in the bedroom where men fail to think before they speak. When a friend of mine got into an argument with her ex-boyfriend, he shouted that one of the main reasons that he was no longer happy in their relationship was because she had never taken his career seriously. He was working full time at Nando’s. (In the lowest possible position, might I add.)

The same friend also once had a drunken argument with a different ex. Afterwards, he headed back to their flat while she chose to stay out. She eventually returned home to find him in an incredibly upset state and, when she questioned what the hell was the matter, he informed her that he’d been so grieved by their argument that he had tried to kill himself… by holding a pillow over his own face for two hours. 

But let’s get back to sex, and ask ourselves, why is it that men assume that spewing an abundance of nonsensical profanities turns us on? What makes it worse is when, sometimes, for added measure, they even attempt to throw a compliment into the mix. ‘Suck me, beautiful’ and ‘Baby, you’re sooo tight’ were two particular favourites of mine.

I must confess however that, when it comes to talking dirty, I too am truly atrocious at it. I get overwhelmed by lexical choice and I develop a stutter to rival that of Gareth Gates (circa 2002). In the end, I admit defeat, and simply smile politely and nod in agreement with whatever lengthy monologue my boyfriend is professing. ‘I’m gonna stick my big hard dick in your dripping cunt’… ‘Ah... yes… me too.’

I think, therefore, that the true problem with dirty chat lies in the linguistics of it. Perhaps, like me, there are many other people who would love to serenade their partner with a mouthful of filth, but get too caught up in the vast amount of word choice. What, for example, do I call my vagina? ‘Cunt’ is too vulgar, ‘pussy’ is unoriginal and ‘vulva’ is just downright horrendous. Men, as always, have it easy. ‘Dick’. How nice and simple and inoffensive.

Maybe, then, the solution to our unintelligible stammering is a good old dirty text message. What’s better, really, than eating your sandwiches on your work break and receiving a message telling you just how hard you’re going to get fucked that evening by your boyfriend’s humongous cock? Plus, this comes with the added bonus of giving you an extended period of time in which to reply. And if you’re really stuck for a response, just Google ‘dirty chat examples’, select one at random and hit send. He’ll like it, trust me.

So men, today’s advice to you? For my sake, please, think before you speak. Worshipping its snugness may sound sexy in your head, but I very much doubt my vagina will be flattered. I don’t spread your legs and commend how wrinkly and pubescent your scrotum is. Take a few deep breaths first, calm yourselves. Know your boundaries. Tell me you want to be inside me, tell me how hard you are for me. Hell, even tell me you want my cum dripping off your face. Just don’t start glorifying my asshole.